“No, dear. I don’t think there’s anything Mary Anne and I require from the Nutrition Center today.” BSC #114: The Secret Life of Mary Anne Spier (1997)

There are four separate things going on in this book. The A plot revolves around Mary Anne’s secret life…as an elf. She spends way more money on her dad’s credit card than she can afford to pay back, so she takes a job at the mall’s Santa Land and tries really hard to keep it a secret. Plot #2 involves her elf coworker, Angela, who is seventeen and is living at a shelter because her parents kicked her out. MA tries to help her out a bit.

Meanwhile, in BSC land, the club is working together to “save” a program at the hospital to get gifts for kids who are stuck there over the holidays. They plan a fair and ask for donations for the fair, and then donations to come to the fair. It probably would have been a lot easier to just ask for money donations, but this is the BSC here. The final plot involves the fact that Dawn is back from vacation and she and MA have trouble reconnecting because MA is so busy.

Interesting Tidbits

Y’all know I love shiny covers, right? (even when they're blurry like this)

 

My only other commentary on this cover is that, if Mary Anne doesn’t want anyone to ever know (as the tag line says), maybe she should leave her elf head on. Just a thought.

Who all else thinks that Richard would never actually give permission for MA to take his credit card…especially without setting a limit like, “You can only spend $100.”

Okay, here comes the “retail loss prevention officer” in me again. Where I work, we would NEVER allow a teenaged girl to use a credit card simply because the last names matched. I’ve only ever worked one place that allowed that, and they had to have a signed letter from the credit card holder.

Whoa…I’m trying to determine how much MA spent in 2013 dollars. For starters, she spent probably well over $100 dollars on Sharon alone. Add in that she seems to have bought a gift for everyone, and it really adds up. I’ll give you a total at the end…

Kristy asks MA a Kwanzaa question. Shouldn’t she already know all about Kwanzaa?

Stacey’s trying to collect dues and she actually says, “Open your wallets, kiddies.” Since it’s a Christmas story, can I call her Scrooge for the rest of the blog? (Never fear, Abby actually does call her Scrooge shortly thereafter.)

Umm, ew. Why would you make stew with both beef and tofu in it? MA says she can pick out the tofu and Sharon can pick out the beef. That’s crazy. If something’s cooked with beef, it smells and tastes like beef. I eat a lot like Sharon does (partly by choice and partly not) and would not have touched the stew.

Sharon puts her fork in her pocket. This one I can almost actually buy…

Sharon seems surprised that Richard would charge MA interest on her gifts. Has she met the man? Actually, I’m totally on Richard’s side on this one…although I would have told my kid how long she had to pay the bill. (She thinks she has six weeks, but she really only has two because Richard, unsurprisingly, pays the bills right away.) She’s never going to learn to be financially responsible if he lets her get away with stuff like that. Makes me wonder whether Dawn had to pay interest on those two plane tickets she had to pay back….

One day, I am going to go back and comment on who said each of my random opening quotes. This one is a Richard.

Aww, Mary Anne says she’s starting to think of Sharon as her mom.

I know MA is desperate, but I can’t believe she actually goes along with lying about her age on her job application. Of course, she also goes on the world’s most slack job interview. She’s going to be working with children, and they don’t ask for any ID or do a background check or anything. She’s hired right on the spot.

Charlotte agrees to make donations for the BSC’s ridiculous Santa-Hanukkah-Kwanzaa Town, so she starts clearing out her family’s pantry of every food she doesn’t like. I shudder to think what kind of refreshments the BSC would make from pate, pickled beets and corn relish, but it was pretty realistic. She ends up replacing them with brownie mix and potato chips, saying, “My parents would just buy more anchovies anyway.”

Richard doesn’t want Mary Anne turning into a “mall cat.” I’m glad he’s such a concerned parent.

Is it really sad that when MA says the Santa is great-looking, I thought she meant buff instead of round and jolly, with an authentic beard?

This:

 

Not this:

I agree that small children are often afraid of Santa. But how is Mary Anne with her giant elf head any less scary? I would have been petrified of that head when I was a kid…and when I was a teen, for that matter.

Dawn’s being a little bitchy when she first arrives in town. By this point the California Diaries have started, and you’d think that with all the drama Dawn and all her friends are going through, she’d welcome something that’s the same and comforting. Instead, she kind of makes fun of the BSC and the way they have to turn everything into a project and save the world. Don’t get me wrong—obviously, I make fun of that on a regular basis—but until not long before, Dawn was part of that.

Logan has his own theory as to why MA is spending all her time at the mall: it’s where she meets her secret boyfriend.

We get to hear what Dawn is buying all her California friends. The only one I want to comment on, though, is that Ducky is getting a picture of ducks on a lake. Is she being ironic?

Logan actually gets to be funny a couple of times: “It is good to be a carnivore…Meat, yum. Deep-fat-fried-fries, yum.”

Jackie actually glues blocks onto his head.

Heh. Dawn, Logan, Kerry and Hunter come through the Santa line. Hunter is the only one to recognize Mary Anne (although, how, I’m not sure). But the part that amused me was that Kerry—who is nine and therefore, probably doesn’t believe in Santa any more—makes a face when MA gives her a balloon, but she takes it anyway.

“Mary Anne, I had no idea you were such a nut.” Those are the loving, heartfelt words Dawn shares when MA tells her the truth.

And Richard is, of course, stern when he learns the truth and basically threatens MA with hell if she lies to him again. The end!

Okay, I didn’t find exactly what Mary Anne bought for each person, but my estimation is that she spent between $450 and $500. She says she spent three times as much as she had saved. So are we supposed to believe that MA made about $300 in two weeks, working a couple of hours a day, a couple days a week? Don’t think so.

“You can’t put toe puppets on those stinky feet!” BSC #103: Happy Holidays, Jessi (1996)

Oh holy hell, this book is so depressing. Aunt Cecelia has been being nastier than normal, so Jessi’s dad tells her off. She tries being nicer, and as part of this, she lets Squirt loose in his car seat while they’re driving. They have an accident and Squirt is kept in the hospital for a while leading up to Christmas. Everyone blames him/herself for the accident and the whole family squabbles all through Kwanzaa.

Meanwhile, Jessi and the BSC are putting together a Kwanzaa festival to teach all the non-African Americans in town all about it. This line basically involves a bunch of kids we’ve never met before making messes.

Interesting tidbits

I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t read as many Jessi books, but I just don’t remember the Ramseys being quite as noisy as they are at the beginning of the book. Among other stuff, Squirt keeps pretending to burp, and Jessi’s dad is singing at the top of his lungs while dancing with a broom. It’s actually pretty amusing. His song lyrics: “You’d better not bup/I’m telling you why/Cecelia is hot on your tail!/He sees you when you’re sweeping/and buys you a new car.” I like his version of Santa…

Jessi says the holidays make her a little kid again. Hon, you’re eleven. You are a little kid.

Becca says she doesn’t believe in Santa, but he could be real…maybe he has a factory and buys the gifts from various places and gets them to homes by Fed-Ex (although she calls it Ex-lax.) I like this kid.

Aaaaand here’s the entire history of Kwanzaa. And I’m asleep.

The BSC spends the first two pages of chapter two debating the weather, before eventually calling Janine in to answer their questions. Abby calls her a walking CD-rom. Even though I know this is written in 1996, that just seems so weird and wrong.

Jessi is taller than Kristy, which isn’t too surprising. She’s 5’2”.

Abby once again answers the phone in a crazy fashion, only this time, the client takes her literally and she ends up embarrassed.

Aunt Cecelia has terrible road rage. She sounds like me (only, since she’s got the kids in the car, she curses a lot less.) Apparently, she’s one of those people who drive slowly in the left lane.

Oh, and she parks in a handicapped spot. I’m trying to figure this out. Aunt Cecelia is one rule-loving lady normally. I somehow can’t picture her thinking it’s okay to park in the handicapped parking, but it does kind of follow her being a really crappy driver. (Jessi’s dad says AC has her own logic and that there’s no arguing with it.)

When AC starts telling Jessi and Becca they’re spoiled for the first time, Becca responds by putting her fingers down her throat. She’s pretty sassy in this book.

Right after AC tells Jessi they are at the mall to shop for others, she spends an hour shopping for bras. *cough*hypocrite!*cough*

Every decent Kwanzaa book is mentioned by title and author in here. There’s a shocker.

I like Ebon because he reminds me of myself. Everyone is making mkeke mats of construction paper. Ebon reads the glue bottle and understands the word ‘non-toxic’ enough to try tasting the Elmer’s.

When AC tries to follow her brother’s orders and be nicer to Jessi and Becca, Jessi can’t help but want to test her. She actually sounds like a regular kid and not a super-babysitter when she says she has the urge to behave horribly and see how AC responds.

I want to make it clear that I’m not making fun of Kwanzaa; it sounds like a great holiday, celebrating culture and family. I’m just making fun of the way every third BSC book reads like an informational pamphlet.

AC actually starts to cry. She, Jessi and Becca all blame themselves for the fact that Squirt got unbuckled from his car seat. Becca suggested the idea, AC approved it, and Jessi actually did it.

When everyone sees Squirt for the first time after the accident, he greets everyone by name except Jessi. He calls her juice.

Abby does a notebook entry for the Kwanzaa planning meeting. She starts it “Captain’s Log, Stardate 12/15.” She ends up being the only BSC member when the meeting starts. Mr. Harris shows up and thinks he’s in the wrong place because he’s expecting Jessi or another African American. Abby replies, “If I saw you in a synagogue, I might be a little confused, too.”

And Abby gets worse. The kids have come to Mary Anne’s house to cook some delicious-sounding African food. Abby tells them it’s okay if they drop boogers into the soup, because they can try again later. Suddenly I’m back at Girl Scout camp when the only rule at the dock was that you weren’t allowed to pick your nose.

Aww. Mallory might be a big dork, but she’s a really good friend. She and her dad buy the Ramseys a tree and put it up. Later, she gives up her own Christmas day to baby-sit poor Becca (who has the flu) so the rest of the family can be with Squirt for the holiday. See my rant about that later.

Why in the world was Baby and Company open on Christmas?

I get that the Ramseys had a Christmas with Becca before they all left to go to the hospital. I get that Becca, being ill, should not go to the hospital. But you’d think that, since Christmas is partly about family togetherness, someone would want to stay behind with Becca so she wouldn’t feel so bad and alone.

Of course, Squirt comes home on the first day of Kwanzaa, umoja, which is a celebration of togetherness. And the Ramseys celebrate by fighting.

Jessi’s aunt, uncle and cousins come to town for part of Kwanzaa and the fighting between her dad and AC gets even worse. Eventually, her cousin Keisha screams at everyone to stop, leading Squirt to be startled and burp. That’s what it takes to break the tension, everyone starts cheering and eventually AC ends up cracking up.

Becca, who is usually described as having terrible stage fright, turns into a total ham while narrating the Kwanzaa celebration play.

Why would you put crazy Abby in charge of the play? She kept encouraging the kids to adlib. Omar, playing a devil, who receives the sole of a shoe instead of a girl’s soul (the basic plot of the whole play), looked at the sole and says, “Ew, you shouldn’t have walked in the cow shed!”

Other than the sappy ending, this book has to be one of the most depressing BSC books out there. I think it’s even worse than the one where some girl we barely know dies. Not only is Squirt injured and hospitalized, but instead of coming together, Jessi’s family (who, other than AC, seem to be among the most normal in the BSC) totally cracks under pressure. Lovely.

New characters:

Omar and Ebon Harris (7 and 6)—24 and 23

Marcus and Sara Ford (9 and 7)—26 and 24

Bob and Sharelle Ingram (7 and 5)—24 and 22

Tomika Batts

Ronnie Olatunji

Duane Hicks

Outfits:

Becca: green and red dress; black shoes (her Kwanzaa/Christmas dress)

Next week: I wanted to get this one out of the way first because it’s the worst of the holiday books. I haven’t decided which one is next.

“No one’s going to horse-nap your dumb pink pony.” BSC Mystery #4: Kristy and the Missing Child (1992)

Before I begin, let me say that one day I hope to be employed by the National Centerfor Missing and Exploited Children. Therefore, this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Last time I reread this book as an adult, I was sitting there thinking, “You know, if this was real life, they would have been more likely to find his remains…” and imagining the rest of the book as an episode of Bones. Charming, huh?

After a Krushers –Bashers practice game, Jake Kuhn walks home alone. He never makes it and is missing for about two days. Everyone is worried and the BSC organizes some search efforts. Eventually, thanks to his friend Matt, Jake is found in the basement of a house being built in a construction site. Kristy ends up a heroine.

Meanwhile, Mary Anne is failing home ec, but “invents” Jell-O Jigglers and somehow, that leads to her passing.

Interesting Tidbits

You know me. I like to start with the cover. Other than the fact that the boy in green is Matt (because he always looks the same and he’s on at least 3 covers) I have no idea who the kids are supposed to be. I’m pretty sure this is a scene from later in the book, so maybe I’ll get back to you.

The book starts with the first sitting job Kristy’s ever had with the Kuhn family. It would be funny if it weren’t so typically BSC. I can almost see a meeting about this book: “We want to have a kid go missing. What’s a family we haven’t exploited too much yet?”

Jake’s having a Ninja Turtle birthday party and he gets to be Donatello. That was always my favorite Turtle, too. (If I’d had themed birthday parties, my ninth birthday probably would have been a Turtle party.)

Even if she hates to sew and cook, I still can’t picture Mary Anne failing home ec. Classes like that tend to be based on effort and improvement, so as long as she was trying, I can’t picture the teacher failing her.

I’m not even going to try to guess how Claire lost her sneakers at Krushers’ practice.

Nannie made chocolate chip cookies and added extra chips. Bart, DM and Kristy are shocked that they’re so good. Really? More chocolate always equals better….

Mrs. Kuhn’s first name is Caroline, and Mr. Kuhn is Harry.

Mallory gets Adam to do what she wants by referring to him as “My dearest darling favorite triplet-with-a-name-beginning-with-A.” She has the brothers do a table setting race, which could be dangerous. (I’m picturing broken dishes and forks to eyes.)

Oooh, missing child = emergency BSC meeting! Although, this is one of the few times when there was actually an emergency leading to the meeting.

Kristy’s shocked that Mary Anne lost her temper over her sewing. Even meek people have tempers, Kristy. Better she throws a tantrum over a hem than over the bullcrap you pull sometimes….

Were there really kids on milk cartons in the 1990s? We always got plastic jugs of milk, so I don’t remember ever seeing a missing child on a milk carton.

Kristy’s mom drives a green station wagon. Sweet.

Mrs. Kuhn doesn’t think that the BSC emergency meeting is a helpful thing, and I have to agree. They just sat around and discussed how they couldn’t believe Jake was missing. Pointless.

I love how, despite the fact that the Kuhn family has barely been mentioned before this point, everyone in town is friends with them. Nannie and Ms. McGill are friends with Mrs. Kuhn, while Sharon’s known Mr. Kuhn since they were small.

Heh. Stacey, Patsy and Laurel are eating popcorn covered in various toppings. Stacey lets the girls pick their own toppings. Patsy just grabs a random container and ends up having popcorn with maple syrup. Doesn’t sound too terribly bad, but not only does Stacey tell Patsy her popcorn looks gross, she also says, “Ew—I mean, that might be good.” It’s actually good to see one of the babysitters not think everything their clients do is so adorable.

Patsy’s convinced she’s seen her dad’s distinctive car, but both Jake (at the beginning of the book) and Laurel kind of dismiss her thoughts as wishful thinking. What cracks me up about this is that Laurel keeps talking about Patsy as a little kid and acting like she’s so much more mature than Patsy is. As I established just recently, Laurel is six and Patsy is…five.

Real book: Stacey reads from The Indian in the Cupboard to the Kuhn girls.

Claudia made a sign for the search party and spelled three out of four words correctly. It’s got to be a record.

So I’ve reached the part where they’re searching around for Jake, and Kristy’s on a team with Stacey, Matt, Haley, DM and Charlotte. The boy in the striped shirt on the cover could be DM, but then who is the blond boy? (I’m totally obsessed with this today.) This is when they check the giant drain pipe.

Charlotte: “I want to be profound. What is profound, anyway?”

Kristy actually cries because she feels responsible for Jake disappearing.

Why the hell would Mrs. Kuhn call Kristy to let her know there’s a lead? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call Nannie or Elizabeth?

Okay. Here’s what I don’t get about MA and her being the worst home ec student in the history of the world (other than what I’ve already mentioned.) MA keeps screwing up Jell-O of all things. I pretty well suck at cooking, but that’s a simple, straight-forward recipe. I fail to see how she could even come close to screwing it up. I could make Jell-O when I was eight. But apparently, sometimes her Jell-O doesn’t set, while other times, it’s hard as a rock. If she’s that bad at following directions and measuring, shouldn’t she be failing science, too?

Kristy thinks it’s funny that Mary Anne is failing home ec. What a wonderful best friend she is.

Is it just me, or does it seem odd that Mrs. Barrett, whose home is often a wreck, is “one of those people who never runs her stockings or spills tomato sauce on her blouse.”

Another real book: Buddy made a diorama of Charlotte’s Web.

Oddly out of place: Kristy gets distracted by what her face would look like to someone trying to kiss her. She keeps leaning in to the mirror at different angles. I guess the ghostwriter was trying to lighten things up?

Sam is drinking milk out of the carton right in front of Watson, who apparently doesn’t care. Hmmm.

Kristy hopes that Jake is with his father because then he’s not lost somewhere, hungry and scared. She says she can’t imagine any father doing that. The vast majority of younger children who turn up missing are family abductions, while most older children who disappear are runaways. Only a small percentage of children who are lost are actually kidnaped by strangers.

Kristy’s dad does “something with horses” and lives in Petaluma in this one. It was only a year after this was published that Polly Klaas was abducted and murdered in Petaluma, California. She and I were the same age and that’s why I’ve always had an obsession with missing children. If this book came after that event, I’d think it was ironic.

They slip in all the safety tips about what to do if a stranger tries to kidnap you into a conversation between Elizabeth, Watson, Kristy, DM, Karen and Andrew. And suddenly I’m back reading Missing SinceMonday.

And of course Kristy saves the day by finding Jake and gets an award for it at the school’s awards night. It’s pretty ridiculous. The person who found Jake was Matt Braddock, not Kristy. She just happened to be the “adult” with him when he came up with the idea.

Heh. Bart calls the police and Mrs. Kuhn from Jugtown after he and Kristy find Jake. He also buys Jake a bunch of junk food and throws it down the hole to him. Luckily it falls within his reach, because he injured his leg. I keep picturing it bouncing out of Jake’s reach and getting perverse pleasure out of it. I’m a twisted little cruller sometimes.

Oh, good. Kristy doesn’t actually take credit for finding Jake, which is something that would have been very much in her character. She makes sure the newspaper reporters interview Matt and know he’s the one who located Jake.

When Kristy’s describing the awards night outfits, she says Mal, Jessi and Dawn were just wearing jeans. Did they forget to put on their shirts?

Pete Black thinks he’ll be class clown (I would not have picked him for that award, and neither did the rest of the class), but he’s also the MC because he’s class president, so he comes out wearing a clown costume. (He also made me laugh earlier in the book when he showed Kristy a drawing he’d made for an automated Jell-O launcher that could launch Mary Anne’s Jell-O and kill from large distances.)

Outfits

Kristy: dress (she almost wears this); jeans, sweater, loafers

Bart: white button down, acid washed jeans (hawt)

Claudia: black jumpsuit with a red belt

Stacey: tie-dyed leggings, short dress that looked like a man’s shirt (does anyone else think Stacey and Claudia stopped behind some trees on the way to school and swapped clothes?)

Mary Anne: skirt she was hemming earlier in the story

“Oh, yeah. Right. Wheat germ biscuits. I have them hidden under the bed with my endless supply of tofu.” BSC #56: Keep Out, Claudia (1992)

As is so often the case, the plot of this one revolves around sitting jobs for one client: the Lowells. Mary Anne sits for them and finds them angelic but nosy. But when Claudia sits, the kids are brats and have no respect for her. Later, Mrs. Lowell calls and requests anyone except Claudia, making Claud think she’s done something wrong. But when Jessi shows up for the job, Mrs. Lowell basically slams the door in her face. Kristy figures out the family is a bunch of racists and when Mrs. Lowell calls again, Kristy tells her there are no sitters that meet her qualifications.

Meanwhile, the Rodowskys’ urge to be stars causes Claudia to put together a band with all the kids from the neighborhood. They put on a performance of Fiddler on the Roof for their delighted parents. The Lowells are originally part of the band until their mother discovers what music is being played. No one really learns a lesson, except the sitters…which is the most realistic part of the whole thing.

Interesting tidbits

As almost always, we start with the cover. The Lowell children look like something out of my childhood nightmares. I think it’s the way the oldest is staring combined with the way the little one is pointing that makes it so creepy. Plus they’re all so blond they look like they’re starting their own Aryan brotherhood (which I guess is the point.)

 

Yet another book that’s not ghostwritten. Hmm.

Claudia starts off by making an argument for phonetic spelling. I could get behind a few of her ideas…I really don’t know why the letter C exists except as part of the CH combo. Klaudia, anyone?

Hmmm. Apparently Jessi and Kristy hoard their BSC earnings. I can see Kristy doing this, but doesn’t Jessi use at least part of hers for ballet supplies? She doesn’t strike me as the miserly type either.

Mistake! Shea is practicing piano at the Rodowskys while Archie and Jackie build a rocket ship out of Legos. Jackie, being Jackie, knocks over the ship and goes outside while Claudia and Archie clean it up. Later, Jackie comes back in and Claudia tells him that she and Shea cleaned up the Legos.

I have a hard time believing that Janine would ever misplace her house key.

Since I am such a contrarian, every time they mention that Mary Anne has never made a mistake in the record book, I keep hoping to find a time when she actually does make a mistake.

Mrs. Lowell’s name is Denise.

I remembered very distinctly the part where the Lowell kids start interrogating Mary Anne and wanting to know, among other things, what religion she is. MA replies that she’s Presbyterian and I had no idea what that was when I was eleven.

I would totally play Teenage Mutant Stinky Turtles with Jamie.

With several pianos, a violin, flute, trumpet, guitar, tom-toms and a bunch of kazoos and the like, I can’t imagine the kid’s band could be any good at all. No one but a parent could stand to listen to anything like that.

There’s Mr. Ohdner again!

Is it awful that I am amused by the fact that Jessi wrote an entire page entry for a job that never happened?

Oh, so this is the book where Jessi puts together her Kid-Kit to be an office kit. It’s mentioned in a few other books.

Jackie wants to name their band The Beatles. Instead, they settle on All the Children, with the (sappy) idea that they all have different ethnic backgrounds.

Archie keeps cracking me up in this book. First, he says “Duh” to Claudia and Jackie in chapter one. Then he mis-sings the lyrics to Tomorrow, and when Shea tells him he can’t sing any more, he says, “Can I have a tambourine solo?”

Elizabeth: “Kristy? Are you alright? You’re awfully quiet.” Sam: “Quiet for Kristy, or quiet for a normal person?” I love you, Sam Thomas.

When Kristy figures out that the Lowells are prejudiced, she tells the whole club. Claudia gets mad and you get the idea it’s the first time it has ever happened to her. Meanwhile, Jessi just gets quiet and philosophical—because it isn’t the first time something like this has happened to her. I like the line Jessi’s dad uses to explain prejudice: “They don’t hate you. They just don’t understand you.” (Not that that, or anything else, makes being discriminated against any less horrible.)

Mrs. Lowell calls and specifies a blonde, blue eyed baby-sitter. So instead of being mature and saying that’s not how the club works, Kristy gives her a bunch of reasons not to want the club to sit for her. She says that Logan’s available, but Mrs. Lowell says boys don’t babysit. So she offers to come, but points out she might be babysitting her adopted sister. At least she didn’t come out and say, “Sorry, we don’t sit for bigots.”

It’s kinda odd that the main plot is mostly over by the end of chapter ten out of fifteen.

Why in the world would a bunch of kids have all seen Fiddler on the Roof and prefer the music to Annie? Don’t get me wrong, I love Fiddler. But Annie is way more kid-friendly.

Kristy suggests that Karen might want to be Miss Kazoo during the band concert and wear a bathing suit and a crown. This is (just one reason) why they should quit inviting Karen to stuff.

Poor Jackie. They let him be the MC of the concert and Claudia keeps giving him more and more advice before finally saying he should just use his good sense. Jackie tells her he thinks he was born without good sense. Just because he’s klutzy doesn’t mean he’s got no sense.

Claudia wants to pig out on junk food because her parents are serving liver for dinner. Mal suggests that’s akin to serving monkey, which nearly sends Kristy off on one of her disgusting food tirades. I can’t believe Mallory didn’t know what response that would have, even if she doesn’t eat lunch with Kristy at school.

Apparently, if you dial W-E-A-T-H-E-R on the phone in Stoneybrook, you get a weather report. I am shocked that Claud spelled weather correctly. Whether, waither, wether…I’m sure there are more….

Claudia gives Jackie a hug and he’s disgusted and hopes Nicky (the supreme girl hater) didn’t see. I’m trying to figure out when kids grow out of that and start liking the opposite sex. I feel like that had already happened by the time I was in fourth grade, so I’ll give Nicky and Jackie a couple years.

And of course the concert goes well and the band is never, ever heard from again. The end!

P.S. I was reading the preview for the next book—the Voldemort book (I do not name it) and found a spelling mistake: nickle for nickel. I wonder if that’s in the actual book, too?

New characters:

Caitlin, MacKenzie (Mackie) and Celeste Lowell (8, 6 and 3)—29, 27 and 24

Next week (or possibly the week after): Let’s make fun of something near and dear to my heart:

“The bat grabs onto his neck and starts sucking his blood.” BSC #87 Stacey and the Bad Girls (1995)

You all owe me big time. I could be finishing up an epic installment of my fanfic, which is awesome because a) I am trying to cram way too many plot points into one story and b) Hay and Tiff finally make up. (Hay: Is this where we’re supposed to hug? Tiff: Let’s not push our luck.)

Instead, I put it aside to read this piece of fine literature. Stacey’s new friends have been eating her out of house and home, so her mom helps her get a job in the Kid Center at Bellair’s (where her mom works). Stacey’s friends keep showing up, shoplifting and using her discount (and then probably returning the merchandise for full price.) They go to a concert together and Stacey’s friends are all drinking and get them kicked out. Stacey decides to not be friends with most of them anymore and rejoins the BSC because she misses them so much.

In the stupid subplot, Dawn’s second cousin randomly comes to stay with the Schafer-Spiers for a couple of weeks and she’s all unhappy. Meanwhile, Dawn decides she wants to go back to California (setting up the next book.)

Interesting tidbits

The cover: Grunge lives!!!

 

Stacey starts the book by dreaming that she and Robert are flying over NYC, heading to her old living room. C’mon, Stace, you’re dreaming about your boyfriend and the best you can come up with is flying?

Heh. Robert is a regular teenaged boy: Stacey tells him about how a grocer in NYC used to annoy his customers by calling the women Toots, so guess what his new nickname for Stacey is? (She gets back at him by calling him Dimples. I’m trying to remember if any of the SS illustrations of Robert show him with dimples…)

U4ME…Best band name ever, except all the boy bands on Daria. (Boys are Guys, the Backyard Boys, Boys from the Street, Gang of Boys, Guys-to-Guys)

Stacey puts on a bike helmet and calls it her HHH—hideous hair-flattening helmet. I know she means that it’s hideous because it flattens her hair, but I prefer to pretend it flattens her hideous hair.

Since when is there a convenience store in Stoneybrook named Jugtown? Sounds like a store where winos buy Boone’s Farm (not that I would know about that stuff…heh.)

You’d think that in a book where Stacey isn’t a member of the club, we wouldn’t have to get to know how the club was formed. No such luck. (Although she is slightly bitchy while describing some of the members, mostly Kristy and Dawn.)

In case it was not abundantly clear by now: “Her [Mary Anne’s] last name rhymes with cheer, not crier.” (This is like the scene in, I think, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when Hermione explains how to pronounce her name because lots of little fans were saying “her-me-own.”)

I’m sorry, Stacey, but saying anything is très something is pretentious (unless you’re French), but saying that something is très gross is pretentious and childish as the same time.

Ooh, alternate meanings for BSC: Being So Creative, Bring Some Children, Butter Salt and Candy (the meetings), Building Self-Confidence and Better Stay Clear.

Stacey rates men “on a scale of 1 (bowser) to ten (turbo-hunk).” Skyllo, the lead singer of U4ME, rates as 15 on this scale.

Stacey’s mom calls her a grunge-sponge, which does not mesh well with “sophistication.”

WWKD: What would Kristy do?

Stop with the acronyms, Stacey! Was that ever cool? In addition to HHH and all the BSC ones, she says that nose rings are NMS. Plus trying to choose outfits is known as SDT (Stacey’s Daily Trauma…that one I actually like.) I’m sure there will be more to come… (okay. I made the WWKD one. But Stacey asked the question.)

“Well, bless her, she does look like her mother.” This is said by one of Stacey’s mom’s coworkers. It sounds like an insult, doesn’t it?

Stacey gets the job at Bellair’s by walking off in the middle of her interview to play with a kid. If only all job interviews were that easy…

Seriously? Dawn calls Kristy a poop. In the BSC notebook.

Stacey suggests that Dawn’s never mentioned Amy before because Amy’s dad works for a meat packing plant. I’d say that’s too childish even for Dawn, but she did just call Kristy a poop.

So Amy is coming to stay for three weeks and sleeping in Jeff’s room. I can understand putting away some of Jeff’s things (so that Amy doesn’t mess with them) and changing the sheets on the bed, but they actually buy new sheets and cover Jeff’s superhero stickers with baby animal stickers. Seems like a lot of effort for a short term visitor, plus Stacey says Jeff was furious when he found out.

Setting up the next book, Stacey mentions that Dawn’s been thinking of returning to California in the intro chapter (which does NOT mesh with the previous book) and then Dawn finds out that Sunny’s mom has cancer, a major plot point in the California Diaries.

After the earlier Daria reference, I was amused to see characters named Timothy and Brittany Taylor. (Look, Tessie! There IS a Brittany in the BSC-universe! Forget what I said yesterday.)

This book has way too much Dawn and Stacey in it and not enough of the other girls, but I’m proud to bring you some Claudia spelling: drawrs, honistly, tride, cereus (serious), somthing, agin, cushin. Oh, and Maryann. I’m sorry, but if Mary Anne is one of her oldest friends, you think she could at least get her name right…

Dawn and MA have been babysitting Amy every day after school, but no mention is made of what is happening to her while they’re at school. You can’t tell me that they enrolled her in daycare for three weeks…

Dawn and MA decide to invite someone over to play with Amy, who is six. My thoughts went to Margo and Claire, who live right down the street, but I guess because neither one of them is actually six, they weren’t on the list. Instead they invite over Laurel and Patsy Kuhn. I routinely forget the two of them even exist, and I had to look in the Complete Guide to find out how old they are. (FTR, as Stacey would say, Laurel is six, Patsy, five.)

Robert makes Stacey turn into applesauce by telling her a story about bats and then complimenting her. It doesn’t take much for her, does it?

U4ME is totally the OneDirection of this series. Girls swoon, boys hate it, the songs are stupid but catchy, and the “artists” are (allegedly) hot.

Woo, a ten percent employee discount! Where do I sign up? (I get twenty percent and complain that that’s lame.)

Here’s what bugs me about the shoplifting/stealing Stacey’s employee discount part of the story. Part of my job description is loss prevention. I am responsible for making sure, as much as humanly possible, that non-receipted returns are legitimate. I research sales on items in the computer and if the return is fishy for any reason, we count the floor stock, review video tapes and more. And if we do decide to go ahead with a non-receipted return, as the Bellair employees do, we never give the return in the form of cash. That’s a pretty standard practice. Stacey’s friends buy things with her employee discount and return them full price the next day and get cash for them.

Stacey makes reference to Logan Bruno, Boy Babysitter when she mentions how the bad boys used clean-cut, respectable Logan to cover for them shoplifting and wonders if her friends are doing the same. Yet she stops worrying because Robert likes them, so they must be okay.

Stacey’s friend Sheila (the cheerleader) actually says, “Stacey, don’t have a cow.”

How you know Stacey’s friends are awesome: they con her into waiting in line alone to buy tickets for all of them. And then when they all bring alcohol to the concert and get busted, they drag Stacey down with them.

I suddenly love Stacey’s mom. She actually believes Stacey when she says she wasn’t drinking, but she’s also still mad at her anyway. She says (and it’s very true!) that Stacey should have realized that her “friends” were users and done something about it before it got to this point. It’s very realistic that Stacey didn’t really realize what her friends were doing for a while and that she continued to let them do it when she actually figured it out. But it’s also good parenting on her mom’s part, so way to go. (Although, I would have grounded Stacey for more than three days if she were MY daughter.)

How pathetic is Claudia’s life that she actually spends time reading the BSC notebook to Stacey over the phone? Doesn’t she have some art to make or a Nancy Drew to read?

Hah! After the Laurel and Patsy visit is a fiasco, Margo and Claire are the next visitors. I guess I wasn’t too off base.

Giant coincidence of the book: Amy gets Dawn and Mary Anne to play hide and seek with her so she can run away. She manages to find her way downtown. I’ll buy that. But when she tries to find the train station (so she can ride the train to London) she ends up…at the Kid Center at Bellair’s.

Heh heh. “I told them you wanted to join. No one threw a tantrum or fainted or barfed, which I thought was a good sign.” Claudia, on Stacey rejoining the BSC.

Wait a minute. Earlier in the book, Stacey says Dawn was working as treasurer and Shannon was filling in as alternate officer. When Stacey goes to a meeting, however, it’s Shannon who’s calling for dues.

Claudia wants to sponsor Stacey’s “re-memberification.”

Interestingly, no one objects to Stacey rejoining the club except Kristy and Dawn. Maybe they read what she wrote about them in chapter two?

It’s time to head back to my fanfic and decide what to do with Byron now that he’s no longer trapped in the bathroom!

Outfits

Mrs. Grossman (Stacey’s boss): gingham shirt, jeans

Amy: Laura Ashley dress (of course!!)

Stacey: khakis and button down shirt; U4ME t-shirt and sweater (to the concert)

Jacqui: black floppy hat, skull earrings, rhinestone nose ring (but apparently, no clothing)

New characters:

Amy Porter (6)--24

Next week: Shall I do Claudia or Kristy? It’s a tossup. Probably #56 Keep Out Claudia, simply because I haven’t decide which Kristy to make fun of yet.

"You're getting in the way of science!" BSC #72: Dawn and the We Heart Kids Club

Before we begin our regularly scheduled snark, I need to point out a few things. This book is half the reason I quit reading the series. It is utterly, utterly ludicrous. Even as a 13 year old I knew how crazy and wrong Dawn stealing her dad’s credit card and flying across the country was. I remember finishing this book and going…WTF? Not only did Dawn throw the world’s most expensive and illegal temper tantrum, but the whole plot is just so…out there. I remember being really annoyed that Mr. Schafer would not only break off his engagement but his whole relationship because of it.

This brings me to point number two. I’ve finally figured out what it is that bugs me about Dawn. First of all, by this point in the series, she’d become a caricature. Plus, she’s a total hypocrite—either that or she’s got all her friends totally snowed. They describe Dawn as an individual who doesn’t care what others think about her, but she spends a whole heap of time being insecure about just about everything. I like the Dawn of the California Diaries so much better, even though she’s all preachy and holier than thou. At least she openly talks about her insecurities.

So I’ve pretty well spoiled the important parts of the plot for you. The We Heart Kids Club gets publicity and starts having problems because of lack of organization. They finally pull their poop together and start having more structure to their club. This leads into the Kristy subplot, wherein she’s jealous of the W3KC (the not-so-convenient acronym) and tries to get publicity for the BSC.

The other, personal plot is the one I mentioned above. Mr. Schafer gets engaged to his girlfriend Carol, and Dawn somehow interprets this to mean that her dad doesn’t want her around. So she runs away from home, to Connecticut. When she gets shipped right back to California, dad and Carol break up and Dawn (rightly) feels responsible.

Interesting tidbits

The cover of this book cracks me up. All the girls look the same, except Maggie. I have a hard time remembering she dressed all punk in the BSC books after picturing her as she is in the California Diaries—dressing retro, with a Daddy’s little girl haircut, singing in a band and being anorexic….  Add to that the fact that they all look sunburned and one of them is wearing socks with her beach attire and I just don’t know what to think.

Dawn thinks “being bicoastal” sounds glamorous, and she says that having friends on both sides of the country is great. I think it sounds miserable. No matter where you choose to be, you’re missing someone you love.

Stephie calls Joanna’s boyfriend a hunk, and then asks if it means something good.

Oh, shut up Dawn. You’re Stephie’s babysitter, not her parent. If Stephie’s dad says she can bake a cake, then let her bake the cake. Quit complaining about how much sugar is in it. You don’t have to eat it!

I always forget how much I love Jeff until he shows up in the book telling awful jokes.

I’m totally embarrassed to be reading this. Dawn mentions how young Carol tries to be even though she’s thirty-two (translation: old). Makes me feel ancient…

Although, Carol does say that the chimichangas smell bodacious. I didn’t even use that word back when it was hip.

Mary Anne is reading Julie of the Wolves. Sounds strange that someone who reads Wuthering Heights would read that. I think I read that in fifth grade.

Why do all the (former) hippies in these books have ridiculously named kids? I know some hippies gave their kids goofy names, but I think most of them didn’t (especially if their kids got named in the seventies and eighties). My friend Moni (whom I’ve mentioned before) had hippies for parents, and while she does have a brother named Moses Freedom, most of the family has (relatively) normal names, if you can consider Shemona normal.

Did you know Maggie has had dinner with Keanu Reeves? I think that’s mentioned in most of the California-based books.

Heh. After Stephie uses a word she doesn’t know what it means, Dawn does the same thing with the word indisposed. (And yes, she uses it correctly.)

How does one “grunt politely”? I’d think that by definition grunting is rude.

All the girls are drooling over the photographer who accompanies the reporter. He has a ponytail and “luscious” brown eyes. Umm, hot?

The article is…uh…interesting. It describes Dawn as “a silken-haired beauty with a laugh like pealing bells.” While that’s nice, what does it have to do with her as a babysitter?

I’m not even going to describe the television interview the W3KC gets, other than to mention that the reporter has a bald spot that gets covered in spray paint prior to going on air.

Carol gives Dawn a director’s chair with a visor and sunglasses. Ditch the sunglasses and she’s Kristy.

When the W3KC gets all the publicity, they start getting tons of new clients and decide to actually write down all their jobs. That’s when Maggie discovers she’s double booked herself…and Dawn discovers that the record calendar Sunny’s using is from last year.

This part was funny, though. Sunny asks Jill to spell her new client’s unusual last name, and then asks Maggie what her new client’s name is. Maggie replies, “Smith, S-M-I-T-H.” And Sunny just kinda rolls her eyes at her.

Dawn wants the club to come up with a few rules to prevent the kind of issues they’ve been having. All they manage to come up with is a club handshake. Honestly, that sounds more realistic out of thirteen year olds than anything the BSC does.

I always hate reading the subplots where Kristy is jealous. She’s beyond obnoxious in those cases. In this book, she spends the whole entire time trying to get the same level of publicity for the BSC that the W3KC got and it keeps backfiring. (Stacey writes Dawn a letter in which she refers to this as the “Kristy Crisis.”)

Shannon thinks Dawn is telegenic. She has to explain what that means to Claudia, who thought she meant telepathic. (I don’t know why, but I always love when Shannon shows up in the story…even though she basically just spends chunks of time making Claudia feel stupid.)

Every now and then, they remember the bit from early on about Jessi wanting to be a comedian and give her something almost funny to say. When Claudia remembers she put some Reeces Pieces under the mattress, she makes MA get off the bed so she can retrieve them. MA mentions she thought the bed felt lumpy, and Jessi says, “Mary Anne Spier, the princess and the pieces.” Hey, she’s funnier than Jeff, who’s also trying to be a comedian.

There’s another almost-plot thrown in where Stephie wishes she had a mom. The main reason seems to be that a mom would buy her shoelaces without her having to ask for them. I know that’s just symbolic of a mom, and that’s actually pretty deep coming out of an eight year old. It bugs me that it’s put out there but never dealt with…I mean, Dawn can’t solve Stephie’s problem—her mom’s still going to be dead no matter what—but maybe she should say something to Stephie’s dad or nanny or someone?

Apparently, Carol doesn’t usually wear makeup. Man, if I ever start dating an older man with kids and saying bodacious, I could be Carol.

Jeff and Dawn are each given a small amount of wine to drink during the engagement-announcement dinner. Jeff decides to gulp his, while Dawn has the sense to sip.

I just love how Dawn decides that her dad getting engaged means she’s not wanted. It’s a totally irrational leap. Dawn’s dad didn’t have to agree to let Dawn and Jeff live with him, and yet he did, despite the fact that Dawn’s waffling over where she wants to live had to have been disruptive for everyone.

Dawn thinks her letter sounds sneaky. I think it sounds bitchy and selfish and bratty and a lot of other worse things than sneaky. You be the judge:

Dear Dad,

I won’t be home from school because I’m on my way to Stoneybrook. But I’m sure you don’t mind. Now you can spend as much time as you want with your future wife. You won’t have a daughter around to cramp your style.
Good luck with your wedding plans. Tell Jeff I still love him. And don’t be upset. I’ll be with people who care about me.
Love, Dawn

Why does Dawn’s dad leave his credit cards all over the top of his dresser? If he doesn’t keep them in a wallet, wouldn’t inside the dresser be better? It’d be harder for Dawn to steal one that way.

Dawn leaves her house wearing a wide brimmed hat when she takes a taxi to the airport. She says the last thing she needs is a neighbor recognizing her. Honestly. Like the neighbor wouldn’t know who was getting into a taxi in Dawn’s front yard anyway.

Second best line in the whole book: “Suddenly, two thousand miles away, I felt pretty stupid.”

Dawn’s surprised when her mom meets her at the airport. Did she really think her dad wouldn’t call her? No matter how bad things have been between them, they’ve always seemed to put Dawn and Jeff first.

Sharon’s actually vibrating with anger when she picks Dawn up. I love it. (Is it really sad that I’m enjoying Dawn getting into trouble soooooooo much?)

What flight goes over both Kansas and Minnesota?

Ooh, Dawn’s dad has given me some more great adjectives to describe Dawn: Immature, irresponsible, underhanded, spoiled, reckless.

Aww, I really do love Jeff. He tells Dawn he doesn’t blame her for what she did, and says that if she’d told him, he would have gone with her. It’s nice to see such a close sibling relationship in these books.

Oooh, there’s a (scary) book idea! Fifty Shades of Kristy Thomas.

Third best line in the whole book: Dawn tells Stephie how the W3KC finally got their acts together. Stephie: “I can’t believe you girls are thirteen and you just thought of that.”

Jeff interrupts Dawn doing her homework to tell her more terrible jokes. She tells him to go call Robin Williams.

Best line of the whole book right here. Jack and Carol get into an argument. When they suddenly go quiet, Jeff says, “Did they kill each other?” Love, love, love Jeff.

I love this one so much more as an adult than I did as a teen.

Outfits

Joanna (Stephie’s nanny): short, fringed skirt, tight beaded top

Rhonda Lieb (the reporter who interviews the W3KC): cotton cardigan, white t-shirt, gray stirrup pants

Mary Anne: LL Bean nightgown (yeppers)

Next week: I’ve decided that I’m going for cheese this month. I think next week will be #87 Stacey and the Bad Girls

Ps. All the 3s in the acronym originally had less than signs in front of them, but blogger considers them broken tags. Blah.