"And that's how I ended up with my own Secret Service agent." BSC Friends Forever #9: Kristy and the Kidnapper (2000)

OMFG.
I think every series has at least one of these. It's either the book that is so bad that you never finish it, or the one that it so ludicrous that you finish it and then go, "Why did I just waste my time?" (That was me with the entire Twilight series.)
Kristy, along with several other SMS students, goes to Washington D.C. to be part of a nation-wide debating contest. (Apparently, since this contest is mostly for fun and includes different ability levels, you can throw a team together at the last damn second and not have to go through any preliminaries to get there.) She's assigned to a three-person beginning team, and one of her teammates is David Hawthorne--better remembered by BSC fans as Terry Hoyt from M#10. David is Terry's given name, and now that his dad isn't tracking down counterfeiters any more, he's allowed to go places and join afterschool activities. Kristy recognizes David as Terry, but David puts her off.
Later, he admits to being Terry after Kristy witnesses someone attempting to kidnap him. Kristy's screams bring the hotel security guards, who rescue David but don't catch the abductor. Kristy agrees to keep a small part of the attempt secret from the police, while David tells his father, a Secret Service agent, everything. The two of them wind up with their own personal SS agents for the duration of the event.
The kidnaper comes back during the finals of the events, and Kristy recognizes him. Mr. Hawthorne tackles him and he's taken into custody. And Kristy gets to go to the White House!
In the B-plot, Abby and Kristy are super-competitive with each other as lead up to their two teams meeting in the finals of the debate contest.
Interesting Tidbits
I am not surprised in the slightest that Kristy and Abby enjoy debating. Not at all. I am just a little surprised that the ghostwriter (word!) felt the need to explain why 13-year-old boys think that the word 'rebuttal' is funny, though. And now all I can think of is Homer Simpson's rebuttal that brief moment he was on the debate team in high school.
Wait...there's something very wrong with this sentence: "She just folded them carefully and added them to the pile in my suitcase." That wouldn't be a problem if she were Mary Anne (neat and tidy) or Claudia or Stacey (fashion fiends), but we're talking about Abby here. The same Abby who packed for Hawaii morning of by throwing a bunch of shit in a suitcase.
Kristy has an inflatable chair.
OOH, Kristy and Abby are hanging out with Melissa from the Philadelphia field trip back in #97. (I think?)
The three girls are sharing a room, which has two double beds and a twin. When I was in college and would pay for my own events--unlike these middle schoolers--that space would have had at least five people in it. Probably more, because there would be room for someone to sleep on the floor in the gap between each bed. (Made a $200 a night room much more affordable.)
Melissa actually sneaks out of her hotel room again--think she would have learned her lesson on that last time--but this time, to meet a boy. And in my head, they are doing all sorts of naughty things together.
Kristy's other teammate is named Kai.
Kristy wonders if Mr. Hawthorne could possibly be a Secret Service agent like David said, stating that he's so normal looking. Well, what is a Secret Service agent supposed to look like? Have a tattoo that says, "I'm working undercover!"? Be green? Have shifty eyes or something?
Umm...I realize that the SMS chaperones have ten kids to supervise between two of them. But Kristy was just the only eye witness to an attempted kidnapping, and Mrs. Simon seems more concerned about getting back to supervise the dance than making sure Kristy is okay. She leaves Kristy with Mr. Hawthorne--whom she does not know is Secret Service--and doesn't really seem concerned. Nice.
"Who was I to question their outfits?" Normally I'd agree with Kristy on this one, but she's talking about the SS agents following her and David, whom she thinks stick out because of their attire. She's probably partly right (if 99% of the people at the hotel are casually dressed, they might be pretty obvious in their suits) but I think she's just of that opinion because the two of them are so obvious to her...because she knows they're there and why they're there.
Apparently Kristy and her roomies are allowed to have male guests in their room until lights out. There's a logical reason for that--private practicing and preparing--but at the same time, it seems like a recipe for disaster for people like Melissa and her one-true-love that she keeps sneaking out with.
David jokes that Kristy has a big mouth--while Kai has brains and he has charm--and for some reason, she thinks it's hysterical. (Yeah, I know Kristy admits she has a big mouth, and that he was joking, but I wouldn't think that was funny if he listed that as my only 'positive.')
Heh...the attempted kidnapers name is Lance Dibdin. Try saying Dibdin five times fast.
Turns out that flighty, flirty Melissa is actually amazingly good at extemporaneous speaking--which, for those who haven't heard of it, consists of being given a statement and asked to defend it, with no prep time. Basically, you have to be able to think on your feet. She ends up making it to the finals, versus her 'sweetie', and Kristy and Abby decide to explain to her that she shouldn't throw the finals just to make the boyfriend happen. Her response: "I plan to kick butt." Heh.
When Kristy and her friends return from a trip to the Smithsonian, they learn that David gave his SS agent the slip. Lucas (Melissa's boyfriend/David's friend) is more interested in whether the agent will get punished than the fact that David is missing.
"I imagined David on a plane to Mexico, drugged and blindfolded." Hope that's a private plane, because otherwise someone is going to notice a blindfolded kid on a commercial flight.
Melissa brings Lucas to the girls' after curfew, in violation of the rules. The four of them (M, L, A and K) start playing Scrabble--and then slang/rude word Scrabble. (This is always more fun, if you've never tried it. I got some serious points the time I managed to spell bastard.) They only get to play nerd before they get (almost) caught.
Did you know that the White House is where the President lives? Wow. (Even Kristy gets sarcastic when Abby points that out. I think there's a Karen book where she goes to Washington D.C. and wants to meet the President. [There is, and it's called...Karen's President.] This sounds like a line out of that book.)
Kristy wears a fanny pack. Heh.
Why don't they invite Kai to the White House with them? He was definitely involved in all the escapades. Maybe he'd left already, but he was from New Jersey, so he it's not like he had to make a plane or had a longer trip than the SMS kids.
David takes Kristy and Abby to find "Sparky," the President's cat. At this point, Clinton was still President, but I guess they wanted to make the book more relevant after he left office by not calling the cat Socks. (Although the two cats were similar in appearance.)
Kristy wants to come back and visit her SS agent, because she'll miss him. Groooaaaaan.
So why do I hate this book so much? Well, it's not really hate. It's just that the vast majority of the FF series is grounded in reality. Everyone can relate to fighting with a friend (Claudia and Stacey), or snooping in someone's diary (Kristy) or feeling like you're fading into the background (Mary Anne.) We may not all have dads we haven't seen in six years come out of the wood work, or have had our houses burn down or wound up dating the class clown, but you can understand the human emotions behind all of those things. This just comes straight out of left field and is so ridiculous.
On a final note: several times through the book, the brother-sister debating team of Alexandra and Scott Toombs comes up. I wondered if they were real, ala the Perkinses or Cary Retlin. I found an obituary for their grandfather, so yup, they're real. (Either that or it's a huge coincidence.)
Next: #10, which is the last BSC book I haven't read!

“Or else the torture room.” BSC Mystery #36: Kristy and the Cat Burglar (1998)

I’ve been a little distracted in posting for the past few weeks. Between wedding plans and having all three of my bridesmaids pregnant at the same time, I’ve been in a tizzy. Well, now only two of my bridesmaids are pregnant, as my baby sister gave birth to her beautiful, 9lb 10oz ‘big nugget’ this morning. I was planning to call the baby Munchkin if I referred to her on the blog—the way I call my ‘nieces’ Pepper and Kakies, but at that size, she’s not really a munchkin. Nugget is sticking! (Her real name, which I will not post for her privacy, is Shakespearean and absolutely lovely.)

Kristy, David Michael and Karen are wandering around to look at the ‘spooky house’ that is in the woods near their house. While they’re there, a shot rings out and the burglar alarm goes off. Officer Johnson got an anonymous call suggesting he check out the house at the same time the security officer got a call saying his wife was in the hospital. A bag of jewels was stolen, and a red cat was painted on the mail box, the MO of a thief known as The Cat Burglar.

The police officers make Sgt. Johnson their primary suspect. He claims it’s a setup, but he’s arrested anyway. Cary, who witnessed the crime as well, helps the BSC solve the crime. Cary joins Kristy, Mary Anne and Abby at the house, where the owner—who had employed the BSC to solve the crime—has a very rare lamp that had been stolen at an earlier Cat Burglar job. They’d just laid out all the evidence that Sgt. Johnson was innocent, right as Cary and Kristy realize he was the one who’d planted all the evidence. He is about to tie them up when the police arrive. The Cat Burglar is arrested, Sgt. Johnson was exonerated and the BSC vows not to solve mysteries again.

Meanwhile, apparently they hadn’t had a Harriet the Spy takeoff in quite a while, so Charlotte is going around spying on her friends…who get tired of being spied on, so they start spying on her.

Interesting Tidbits

The cover: Apparently, the newspaper article is shocking! Also, Kristy looks different than normal. The art isn’t done by Hodges Solieu or however that’s spelled. Oh, and Kristy’s neon green shorts are hawt!

Kristy runs into Cary, and says that the woods behind her house also abut Cary’s house. I have a few comments about that. Abby lives two houses down from Kristy, next to Morbidda Destiny, and there’s another yard backing up to her backyard—one small enough that she can see into his house through binoculars. And the map in the Complete Guide places Cary’s house on Burnt Hill Road, nowhere near Kristy’s house. Now, to be fair, if you continue down McLelland (Kristy’s street), it ends at Hazlet. Take that far enough and you hit Burnt Hill right at/near Cary’s house. Both Kristy’s house and Cary’s are on the far western side of this map, so it’s possible there are woods there. Maybe the road that our friend the embezzler’s house is on runs at an angle, so that Abby can see into Mr. Finch’s yard, but then woods become thicker and thicker so that Cary’s yard hits some real forest.

Wow, I put waaaaaaaay too much thought into that.

The BSC members are introduced by the best mystery they helped solve. I haven’t finished the chapter yet, but it should be funny when they get to Mal and Jessi, who both got pretty shitty mysteries for their only mystery book.

Um. Sgt. Johnson has some questions for Kristy about what she saw as she, Karen and DM approached Reinhart Golem’s house. (That name is flippin’ awesome, by the way). However, when he asks her to meet him at the police department, he says he’s not really questioning her, because that would require a parent. Instead, it’s just a consultation. This rubs in all the wrong ways. I know we’re supposed to consider Sgt. Johnson a suspect, but this is soooo wrong that I just want them to lock him up, separate from whether he’s The Cat Burglar or not. (Especially because he brings Cary in with his father.)

Oh, and then Kristy starts asking him questions about the burglary, and he answers them! Sure, he doesn’t suspect that Kristy—with two seven year old kids in tow—is The Cat Burglar, but you never know. Someone could have sent her as a distraction.

I like the fact that emphasis is placed on the fact that Claudia, MA, Kristy and Cary are all wearing bike helmets. That definitely wasn’t the case in the early books.

The title quote is what MA says right after Claudia finds the gym in Reinhart Golem’s house. I’m completely with Mary Anne on this one.

Wow, SPD really sucks. It takes Kristy and Cary to find a bullet casing and MA to find a bullet hole in the door and the marker used to put The Cat Burglar’s calling card on the mail box. Shouldn’t the coppers have found the casing when they secured the crime scene?

Kristy tells Golem the BSC had solved a lot of mysteries, including catching jewel thieves. They didn’t actually catch any jewel thieves. Not only were the thieves in mystery #8 actually actors, but that mystery didn’t involve any BSC member except Jessi. And the ‘jewel thief’ in mystery #1 was a cat. I can’t think of another mystery where any jewels were stolen or waylaid, except this one.

I liked this, too: Mallory researched The Cat Burglar and refers to him as a he. Jessi questions her sexist notion by suggesting that the burglar could also be female.

Unfortunately, that tiny victory is followed by a whole slew of cat jokes. Blechh.

The BSC’s list of suspects: Sgt. Johnson, because the police suspect him and he knows a lot about alarm systems; Ben Birch, Golem’s former partner; Jack Fenton, the security guard who responded to the house alarm; and Cary, because he was there at the time of the break in and knows a lot about guns.

Golem suggests that Sgt. Johnson’s fingerprints ‘may be’ all over the marker Mary Anne found at the crime scene. What? Kristy noted when the other two officers investigating the case, Sgt. Winters and Officer Hopkins, took the evidence from Golem, they probably wouldn’t be able to fingerprint it, because Golem put his hands all over it as he handed it over.

OOH! Time for the BSC to split up and take notes. What does that mean for us? You got it—Claudia’s spelling! Infourmation, heres’, weerd, culdn’t, anywhare, articals, buisness. This is followed by a babysitting notebook entry by Claudia, so…hearby, announse, officialy, nieghbors, wont.

Stacey convinces Cary that she’s really into bird watching, as an excuse to get into his house and learn a little bit more about him. Raise your hand if you think Cary actually fell for her line. He did invite Stacey in and show her his bird watching notebooks, though.

Jessi checked for information on Ben Birch on the internet, and all I could think is, if I had an eleven year old daughter, I wouldn’t want her on the internet without supervision.

More Claudia spelling! Tusday, dont. She also uses there for their.

Here’s a good clue and the BSC doesn’t even make a real connection. Years ago, Sgt. Johnson investigated Golem for smuggling, but the case was closed because there was no cause. The BSC thinks that Johnson may have held a grudge over that and therefore, robbed him. Huh?

The Thomas-Brewer clan has call waiting, yet Claudia’s phone doesn’t even have speaker capabilities. (Remember when Jessi had to have the operator break into Kristy’s conversation with Bart to tell her that Dawn and Claudia had been found alive?!? Those were the days!)

Mary Anne’s upset that the BSC suspects Sgt. Johnson. Claudia tries to soothe her…by making her eat a Butterfinger. Later, Kristy rewards Mal’s sleuthing the same way.

Sgt. Johnson shows up at the Kishi house to talk to Kristy, Claudia and MA, all the girls who’d been caught snooping at Golem’s house. Janine’s the one who answers the door, and she’s so curious that Kristy can feel it radiating off of her. I have been seeking the answer to a real-life mystery here for about a week, so I really feel her pain. I’m way more interested in whether Claudia tells her what’s going on later than I am in the solution to this mystery.

Also, does Sgt. Johnson know it’s BSC meeting time? If so, why did he take the time to learn that?!?

Oh, and then he goes and tells them he’s being suspected of the robbery, but he’s the victim of a frame up. Umm…doesn’t SPD have an internal affairs department that should be investigating stuff like that, not a bunch of thirteen and eleven year olds? And if they don’t believe him, I’d head straight to the sheriff’s office or the state police or something. Those are really serious accusations and not something that he should be throwing around lightly…especially not to the BSC, who can’t legally do anything to help him. (If I remember the rest of the book correctly, he’s actually right, but that’s beside the point…)

The only amusing part of the Charlotte-as-a-spy story (other than when Charlotte caught one of the triplets picking his nose? because you have to remember, I’m secretly a ten year old boy) is when Abby decides the only way to keep an eye on Charlotte and her friends while they’re doing their spy work is to spy on them.

I love this exchange between Kristy and Sam. You guys know how I enjoy it when the siblings in this book like each other but also antagonize one another.

Kristy: Leave me alone, I’m trying to think.

Sam: Aww, don’t do that. You might strain your brain.

Kristy drags Cary to the BSC meeting to tell the club what he saw during the robbery. He completely freaks out about going to the meeting. I really can’t believe that Cary would freak out about it…the BSC, yes, but not Cary. Remember how weirded out they were when Logan first started coming to meetings? But very little seems to ruffle Cary.

Golem is a giant rich-guy stereotype. He comes to the door in a blue velvet smoking jacket with satin lapels, matching slippers, holding a brandy and a cigar. I kept waiting for him to swirl his brandy.

The final two pieces to the puzzle? Cary recognizes a lamp from a Cat Burglar burglary in Golem’s house, and Golem realizes the BSC knows the evidence against Johnson was planted. Just as Golem starts to lock them in, Cary attacks him and earns them just enough time for Abby and Mary Anne to escape. But the real winner in this case is Jessi, who happens to paw through the reservation log and see that Golem was in Chez Maurice on the day of the burglary, when he claimed he was still in France, so the BSC members who weren’t at Golem’s called the police.

So that’s the last BSC mystery. I am I sad about that? A little. But mostly only because there seems to be less Cary Retlin in the books when there aren’t mysteries to solve.

Outfits

Stacey: khakis, white button down, brown boots

Charlotte: jeans, red sweatshirt, red sneakers

Claudia: purple painters pants, red high tops with purple laces, red sweatshirt with purple embroidery, purple glasses frames with no lenses

Next: #124

“You’ve never wanted to be my friend. All you’ve done is pity me.” BSC #111: Stacey’s Secret Friend (1997)

This is one of those books where I go into it hoping that it’s not nearly as bad as I expect it’s going to be. Look at the cover for a second. Yes, Tess wasn’t exactly fashionable for 1997, but neither were some of these other kids. And the back cover is so condescending toward Tess: “Why won’t Tess wise up? Doesn’t she want Stacey’s help?”

(Really bad cover copy, sorry.)

Umm, no. I’ve never read this, but I’m pretty sure Tess never walked up to Stacey and said, “Look, the kids are all making fun of me. Can you give me fashion tips?”

I was way more of a Tess than a Stacey in middle school, believe me.

So Tess Swinhart is new at SMS, and Stacey and the other kids think she’s strange. After she accidentally ruins the papier-mâché Stacey and Barbara* were working on and then dumps some papier-mâché on Alan, he nicknames her Swine-heart the Destroyer, because her upturned nose and taste for pink clothing make her look vaguely like a pig. It gets worse and worse until a football game where it all comes to a head. Everyone is voting for a new school mascot, and one of the choices is pig. Someone pastes a picture of Tess over the pig picture, and Stacey doesn’t realize it before she holds it up. People start throwing things at Tess and she falls out of the bleachers, breaking her ankle and spraining her wrist. She then tells Stacey off, because she figured out some time back that Stacey didn’t really like her for her. She does let Stacey help her get back at a boy who was trying to embarrass her, and she ends up good friends with Barbara. And Stacey realizes she was kind of a jerk.

Meanwhile, Jackie and Nicky have been acting odd, with Nicky putting on fake muscles and acting like Jackie’s bodyguard. Eventually, Jackie is able to ‘use his words’ to sort out the disagreement with the three boys, and they’re all friends again. So intellectually stimulating, it hurts.

Interesting Tidbits

*Unlike last week, when I couldn’t place Ethan, I remembered Barbara right away. Even if I’d forgotten, she’s introduced as, basically, the girl whose best friend died in the drunk driving accident. (#93)

Right off the bat, when we meet Tess, one of the first things that gets described is her outfit. Stacey hates it, but I thought two things. 1. I love retro clothes, so I drooled at the white blouse with Peter Pan collar. 2. If Claudia had worn it, Stacey would have thought it looked great. (C’mon, you know you were thinking it too!)

Also, Tess is described as ‘five foot nine and big boned’ and I was wondering, who’s that big in eighth grade? Then I remembered that my best friend from school was even taller (she’s now six foot) and had a solid frame like that, so I shut my mouth.

HA! Claudia: “I’m sure some people think I’m strange because of the way I dress.” Truer words have never been written.

Stacey’s English class is studying The Canterbury Tales. I really hope they’re reading the sparky bits!

King shows up in the story, subtly continuing the pig theme by calling Tess Babe. It actually worked, because he acted like he was flirting with her, calling her Babe because he was interested…not because of the then-current pig movie.

Tess wears huge black-framed glasses, so Stacey tries to drop hints to her, suggesting she should get contact lenses. These days, Tess would be so fashionable and hipster! (Oh, and Stacey brings it up by asking Barbara if she knows Mallory, since Mal wants contacts. Barbara thinks that Mal is cute, which goes along with my theory that Mal actually is a lot cuter than she thinks she is…she’s just awkward and not sure of herself.)

Claudia spelling! Defanately, sumthing, bruther, secrut, ajent, mishon, wut, culd. She also uses wright for right.

Ooh, I love when they reference old plot points! “Shannon thinks Shea has a crush on Claudia.” Not only is this a great referral to #63, but Shannon did hang out with them quite a bit (and still does on occasion) so it’s fun to bring in her point of view.

Mrs. Rodowsky got a new cell phone (cellular phone, of course)! Next thing you know, they’ll talk about emailing each other. Wacky! (That’s what Shea keeps calling Jackie, who actually stole his mother’s phone and took it to school with him. These days, I know kids about his age with cell phones….)

“Glasses are easier. Besides, I like them.” Yes! I feel that way about contact lenses, too.

Stacey keeps trying to help Tess…but only behind the scenes. She keeps pushing her to wear makeup, dress more fashionably, and be more social. Yet she doesn’t really want to be her friend; she just sees her as a project. This becomes clear when she doesn’t invite Tess to sit with her and her friends, but I don’t think Stacey even realizes it. When Kristy asks her why she didn’t invite Tess to sit with them, Stacey knows she should have but can’t figure out why she didn’t. This is it, right here. This is exactly why I never read many of the later Stacey books until now. This aspect of Stacey—the condescending idea that she has that because she’s pretty and popular that everyone wants to be like her—is exactly why I hated the Staceys of my high school.

You know it’s bad when even Claudia suggests that Stacey’s not really helping Tess. I wouldn’t say Stacey is as bad as Alan and Cokie, who keep calling Tess names and making comic strips making fun of her, but trying to force someone to fit in to one narrow view of how a middle school girl should be isn’t exactly being nice, either. I was a very square peg at that age, and, like Tess, I didn’t want to change to fit in. I had a couple friends who accepted me for who I was, and that was all I really needed.

Stacey says you can’t feel mascara, but she’s wrong. Tess says it makes her eyes itch and her eyelashes sticky, but Stacey says you can’t feel your eyelashes. Well, I have very long eyelashes and they hit my skin and glasses on a regular basis. If they’re sticky, I know it, and when I first started wearing mascara, I put on too much of it and it was very sticky and clumpy.

By chapter ten, the following people have all questioned Stacey’s motives with Tess: Claudia, Kristy, Mary Anne…and Tess herself. King is still subtly mocking Tess, and even asks her out on a date to a restaurant called Hog Heaven. But since Stacey knows he’s teasing her, she keeps telling Tess not to fall for his crap. Tess thinks Stacey has a thing for King and that’s why she’s so set on Tess not talking to him. Honestly, if Stacey really wanted to help Tess, instead of trying to make her conform, she should have told her, “I don’t want to be rude, but I’d want to know if it were me…” and then tell Tess that everyone’s making pig jokes about her (based upon her looks, last name and love of the color pink), and tell Tess she thinks King’s part of it. Stacey just keeps deflecting Tess from the jokes instead of explaining them.

It gets even worse when, during the football game, Stacey catches Tess sitting and reading a magazine while everyone else is cheering. She decides Tess is pigheaded (and then gets mad at herself for it) but then says the following: I sighed. Maybe this was all my fault. If I’d sat with her at least I could have taken the magazine away and made her stand up and cheer. I had my work cut out for me. Aaaaaand this is where I want to bitch slap Stacey.

Stacey is the one holding up the pictures of the mascot choices, so a lot of people think she and Barbara—who was reading the choices out loud—are responsible for the Tess picture. Stacey didn’t know it was there until she held it up, and as soon as she realized, she dropped it so no one else could see it, but she still feels guilty about it. She assumes Barbara does as well, but Barbara says she feels terrible for Tess but has nothing to feel guilty about. I liked that because it’s true. Barbara didn’t take that picture and paste it on the poster; she didn’t know it was there. She’s actually been nice to Tess and never tried to make her conform, which makes her a nice contrast to Stacey.

The title quote is what Tess says when Stacey tries to find out why Tess is mad at her. She says she doesn’t need Stacey’s pity, because she’s happy the way she is. Go, Tess, go!

Stacey discovers that Tess’s fashion tastes are what is currently trendy in Paris, where Tess lived until recently, and suddenly she feels a little differently about Tess. Once again, that’s what bothers me about Stacey. If, as Tess said, she’d ever just had a real conversation with her, she might have found out they liked each other and they could have actually been friends. The whole thing is totally Stacey’s fault, and it takes her a while to acknowledge that.

This could have been way worse. If Tess had had less self-esteem, she might have not stood up for herself, and this might have ended very badly.

Outfits

Tess: short pink cardigan, white blouse with lace trimmed Peter Pan collar, brown corduroys, black boots; hot pink sweat suit with lace trim; pink, red and yellow plaid polyester pantsuit; baggy pink overalls, satin shirt with pink and green daisies, pink barrette; blue jeans, blue sweatshirt; pink corduroys and pink nubby sweater; pink blouse with puffy sleeves, short black skirt

Next: Mystery #31

“Which team is this dog registered to play on?” BSC #110: Abby the Bad Sport (1997)

I’ve never read this book before, for one blatant reason: I knew I was going to hate the dated, non-‘people-first’ language. Actually, if I remember correctly, I started reading it and stopped for that exact reason. Let’s see if I have better luck this time.

Abby’s joined what the book calls a Unified Special Olympics team. Special Olympics athletes are playing on a team with athletes without impairments; quite frankly, the only reason I can see for this is that they can throw a PSA about the Special Olympics, because the rest of the plot doesn’t seem to benefit from that fact. One of the other athletes, Erin, is as good at soccer as Abby is, which is something Abby isn’t used to, and she’s given the position Abby wants. The two of them start competing against each other, trying to one up another, and refusing to play nice. The Krushers form a booster club to support the team, so all the kids get to see Abby acting badly and find out that both Abby and Erin get benched for two games. Abby accepts her position, apologizes to Erin (and Kristy, who calls Abby on her B.S.) and moves on.

Meanwhile, Abby’s mother decides the family needs to spend the weekend of their late father’s birthday with his parents, whom they haven’t spent much time with since he’d died. Abby doesn’t want to go, so she sorta lies/sorta misleads her mother into not making her go. He real reason for not wanting to go? She hates visiting her father’s grave, because it’s too real.

Interesting tidbits

Aaaaaand Abby starts the book with a pun on page one. She’s so late to the meeting that she’s running. You know how BSC books almost always start with the narrator describing the scene and then saying, “I’m getting ahead of myself”? This time, Abby is running ahead of herself.

Abby’s now firmly described as being medium, instead of super-tall like she originally was. This is the second book in a row to use that adjective for her.

In order to verify what I’ve said recently, Abby is indeed allergic to tomatoes and shellfish. Going back to the last book, Abby ate with the Brewers and Derek’s friends at a seafood restaurant. There would be plenty of things she could eat there, but depending on how severe her allergy is, she might have problems just eating near shellfish or if the same cooking surface was used.

Aaaaaaaaand, we have our first ‘mental retardation’ on page 6. It definitely could be worse though, because at least it says ‘players with mental retardation.’ By the way, the players with impairments are known as athletes and the ones without are called partners. I think it’s kind of offensive for them to even create a distinction.

Abby tries to convince the rest of the BSC that soccer is awesome. She tells Claudia it’s a moving art form, and Stacey points out that it’s all based in geometry. I don’t think she could convince my cousin, though, who spends the entire World Cup whining each time because it’s taking televised time from ‘real sports people actually care about.’

Did you know that Kid Kits are not kids used to assemble children? Abby is sooo hilarious.

Since when do middle schools have varsity and junior varsity? We always had A team and B team, which is the same thing SMS has in book #129.

Other players on the team: Jojo (lol), Petra, Connie, Sandy, Annalise, and Jeana

Abby admits to expecting less out of the athletes than partners, simply because they have impairments. I think that’s fair enough, because how many people with mental impairments have they ever met before?

I swear they only have a player named Petra so Abby can make the pun that she looked petra-fied.

There are seriously a whole bunch of pages just explaining soccer positions and rules, and it’s wicked boring. And, unlike my cousin, I love soccer.

Abby’s competition with Erin starts before the first practice even begins, when the two of them get into a race during laps. And then Coach Wu gives Abby’s preferred position—center forward, pretty much the plum position on the team—to Erin, so Abby’s jealous.

Ha! The name of the ice cream store Coach Wu takes the soccer team to? Thirty-two Flavors and Then Some. That’s not so subtle there.

Abby really is a horrible sport. She resents Erin for getting ‘her’ position and being more popular with her teammates, so she decides Erin is a ‘showoff’ and the rest of the team are ‘phonies.’ Later, after the team wins, she tells Erin she knows more about soccer than Erin does…after Erin (truthfully) says that they lost because Abby kept leaving her defensive position to try to score. (It may not have been exclusively Abby’s fault, but when she’s spending all her time in midfield or forward, trying to score, it makes it a lot easier for the other team to get past the defense.) Then again, when Abby was first introduced, she said she wasn’t a team player, so maybe that’s the real problem.

The title quote comes from when Shannon-the-dog decided to join the soccer game and a soccer player tripped over her.

At one point Haley calls the soccer team ‘footballers’ and Karen gets ready to argue with her about it. Haley would be right in just about every other country in the world. (Plus, footballers sounds so much cooler than soccer players.)

Mallory mentions that the triplets play soccer, yet I remember at least once Jeff complaining that the triplets didn’t like soccer. I guess it’s just a sign of the times; in 1986, soccer wasn’t very popular, but by 1997, it was a lot more played.

Stoneybrook United loses a second game, largely because Abby refuses to pass the ball to Erin, who was wide open. Instead, she takes the shot herself and misses; the other team scores through the empty hole Abby created in the defense. She and Erin get into a shouting match and nearly pound each other. The most obnoxious part of this, though? Karen and company sitting on the sidelines, saying things like “Isn’t she supposed to pass now?” “They’re not going to fight, are they?” and “They were bad sports.” We all know all that without the kiddie commentary.

Abby doesn’t tell anyone she’s benched. Instead, Karen finds out by talking to Erin, who was also benched. Kristy gives Abby a totally contemptuous look, but I can only imagine the look Kristy would have given if she’d known the whole story. (Abby didn’t tell her mother she’d been benched either, and used the game as an excuse not to go spend the weekend with her paternal grandparents.)

Claudia spelling. Yay! Hapen, rihgt, wasch, allot (a lot), leest, fighte. She also uses your for you’re, twice.

The boosters throw a carwash, which is (mostly) too boring to mention. But the first customer is the Pink Clinker, which Nannie then agrees they can park on the corner to gather attention for the carwash. They describe the Pink Clinker as “the big, old pink car.” I’ve mentioned before that I pictured the Pink Clinker as a Volkswagen Beetle, but this totally has me picturing an early-80s Cadillac: a giant boat of a car.

Odd. Abby goes running in Miller’s Park, mentioning that “from what I’ve heard” there was a fight with a developer over the park that ended with it being declared a historic monument. Umm, that happened in Mystery #24. Abby’s first mystery was #23, so she was around when that happened.

Leave it to Abby to suggest a whole bunch of really punny soccer team names when Kristy suggests a Krushers-spinoff soccer team.

So Abby tells her mother the truth about the soccer team, and about why she didn’t want to visit her father’s grave. Her mom understands her and accepts Abby for who she is and what she’s done, which is really nice, if you think about it. I mean, Abby’s apologizing for not talking to her mother and for not being ready to go back to her father’s grave…and neither of those is really a crime (or even necessarily something to apologize for). And her mom is cool with it because Abby can’t help what she feels, and she’s already worked out for herself that she made some bad choices.

So the Special Olympics aspect could have been way worse. They actually use people-first language throughout the book, and don’t refer to the actual mental impairments much. Instead, a point is made of how similar the athletes and partners are. Most of the time, the only way you can tell the difference between the athletes and partners are that one of the athletes stutters and several of them are described as acting a little younger than the partners. (When I taught special education, my students—ages nine through thirteen—largely still believed in Santa and many of them acted a year or two younger than they really were. It’s not always true, but it’s not horribly offensive, either.) The only awkward part is when Erin calls Abby on her bad sportsmanship. Abby tells Erin she’s a better athlete than Erin is, and Erin replies, “Why? Because I have mental retardation?” I cringed big-time at that point. It’s poorly phrased for a couple different reasons, at least partly because mental retardation is a dated-sounding term. I wouldn’t have been nearly as bothered if Erin had said, “Why? Because I’m in special education?” or used the term special needs or even disability.

Outfits

Claudia: crop top muscle shirt batikked in green and blue, skinny black shorts, one blue sock and one green, Doc Martens, button earrings; oversized t-shirt with purple and white soccer balls and matching earrings

Stacey: purple silk t-shirt

Mary Anne: purple striped shirt

Jessi: purple leotard

Mallory: purple and white socks

Next: Our final super special! Saaaaaaad!

“This is a stupid way to die.” BSC Mystery #30: Kristy and the Mystery Train (1997)

This is the second Kristy mystery centered around a Derek Masters plotline. Were there any justice in the BSC-universe, those both should have been Jessi plots.

Derek’s back in town, and he’s taking a train trip as publicity for his new mystery movie. Kristy, Abby and Stacey go along for the ride, along with Nicky, David Michael, Linny, James and Buddy. Weird things go on during the ride, odd notes show up everywhere, and then Stacey and Kristy see a man pushed overboard (over rail?) Turns out that the screenwriter stole the script from a student of his, who wanted credit. He’d faked his own death and then tried to kidnap the screenwriter’s son before the BSC and a couple of adults subdue him.

The pool at the country club from mystery #23 opens for the summer, and Stephen Stanton-Cha is acting oddly. Eventually, the sitters find out he doesn’t know how to swim. Jessi helps him feel more comfortable in the water and he has a good time after that.

Interesting Tidbits

The cover is completely hideous. I think the mystery of the train is how horrible Kristy and Abby look here…

Kristy introduces Karen as her stepfather’s daughter, which is kind of an odd way of putting it. I mean, it’s technically true, but sort of roundabout. It’s almost as if I identified my mother as my father’s ex-wife.

The Masterses drive a Mercedes station wagon.

Stacey points out that Mal would like to see Louisa May Alcott’s house, but given that that is Mary Anne’s favorite book, wouldn’t see be just as interested?

Elizabeth and Watson are way too nice. After the Masterses agree to take a total of nine kids* on the train trip, the Brewers take the five Stoneybrook kids and the three sitters up to Boston for the night. The kids are all ramped up, so they have to get them a seafood dinner**, three hotel rooms, and all the expenses related to a day-long walking tour of the building.

*Derek, Todd, DM, Buddy, James, Linny, Nicky, Derek’s friend Greg and Todd’s friend Daniel

**I thought Abby was allergic to seafood? I’m going to need to review her allergies here sometime soon.

I can’t explain why, but every time I try to write Buddy Barrett’s name, I type Butty. And then, because I’m so juvenile, I giggle a little bit.

“I woke up early the next morning to…Abby breath.” This also made me giggle.

Oh, here Stacey goes again. She calls Boston a ‘little’ town because it’s smaller than NYC. If Logan’s superpower is superdickery, Stacey’s is supersnobbery.

People we meet on the train (aka suspects): Rock Harding (love that Hollywood name), the director; Ronald Pierce, screenwriter (and Daniel’s father); Anne Arbour, publicist (named after a city, hee hee); Jane Atlantic, reporter (Kristy keeps pointing out how much she looks like Stacey, so you know that’s going to be important); Benjamin Athens (People’s sexiest man on the planet) and Elle San Carlos, leads in the movie; Charlie, Elle’s husband/ex-husband

I loooove the idea that Benjamin and Elle are having an affair for publicity, yet we’re given the impression that Elle and her hubby aren’t quite divorced yet. It’s all insinuation so far, but it’s a lot more adult than you see in most of these books.

Nicky actually asks if everyone who lives in California is a vegetarian, and Greg (who is Californian and vegetarian, hence the question) says no. But the BSC books tend to give the opposite conclusion.

I like this: Kristy decides to keep an eye on Nicky and Greg, because they’re Derek’s two best friends, meeting for the first time. She equates it to when she got to know Dawn. I also related it to SS#8, when Linny and Nicky—DM’s two best friends—fought all the time. Obviously, they got over it, as they’re both on this trip and getting along.

You have to wonder who’s in charge of this train trip and whether they should be fired. I mean, a bunch of tomfoolery occurs and slips of paper saying ‘The truth will come out’ are everywhere, yet no one seems to be doing too much to stop it. Derek suggests that a rubber severed hand served as a lunch entrée was a publicity stunt. Kristy disagrees because Anne, the publicist, seems horrified by it all. Cynical adult me wonders whether Anne’s worried for the movies stars or whether she’s worried about losing her job…

The BSC members who aren’t on the mystery train show up for the first day of the country club to help man it. Mary Anne shows up looking like she stole her dad’s old clothes, which kind of makes me laugh. And Jessi’s wearing ‘reef runners.’ I had to Google that to see what they were.

Oh, and Claudia is teasing Mallory about her hat and cover-up and high powered SPF sunscreen. Mal does seem like the kind of person who would burn very easily in the sun—reddish hair, fair skin—but we all know it’s usually Mary Anne who has to cover up like that. (Mal says she’s worried about getting more freckles, though.)

Leave it to Karen to make sure everyone is following the pool rules. I have to admit, I was that kind of kid too, but I was never outspoken enough to boss my friends around.

The title quote is Kristy’s thoughts when their train car fills with smoke and they can’t get the door open. (It’s just a smoke bomb, but everyone’s majorly tense afterward…until Linny’s grateful it wasn’t a stink bomb and all the boys start laughing.)

I think the only reason Stacey is in on this mystery is because she’s up on Hollywood gossip in a way most of the BSC wouldn’t be.

Grr. Daniel, Todd’s little friend, is described as being stocky in passing when he first appears in the story. The first time Daniel actually gets to talk, he’s mad at his father because Mr. Pierce said Daniel couldn’t have any more ice cream. It’s more subtle than the BSC always mentioning how fat Norman is, but I still don’t like it. Later, when Daniel is upset after he witnesses someone allegedly going over the side of the train, his dad buys him by…getting him more ice cream.

“Next time you decide to witness a murder, could you wait until I’m around?” –Guess who

This is kind of weird. As I mentioned earlier, Mal, Jessi, Claudia and Mary Anne are supervising the kids at the opening of the country club pool. One of the kids hanging around the pool, waiting for it to reopen after lunch, is Ben Hobart. He keeps making jokes about barfing and teasing the kids. I’m wondering if the ghostwriter got the Hobart boys confused. James, the same age as many of the kids who were at the pool—Karen and friends, Charlotte, Becca, Jackie, Luke, etc—was with Derek on the train. Maybe they’ve confused Mathew, who would also fit into this age range, with Ben? Otherwise, there’s a good reason that Mal and Ben never got their pseudo-relationship off the ground.

Okay, I have a favorite scene in this book, for a very odd reason. Mal is putting on more sunscreen—SPF 60 this time, and waterproof. Karen becomes concerned that if the sunscreen is really waterproof, it will never come off and Mallory would be stuck with sunscreen on her forever! Normally, this would turn into Karen going off on a tangent and being obnoxious. When she starts, Mal shuts her down by pointing off that it will wash off with soap, so Karen’s story is moot. She then won’t let her keep talking about it. I now love Mallory.

Abby tells Kristy there’s an ocean of mystery about Jane Atlantic, and even Kristy thinks it’s her worst pun yet. Oh, and Abby thinks that Anne Arbour’s name is a horrible pun as well.

Why in the hell would the babysitters tell the kids—mostly eight year olds—about the alleged murder they witnessed? That’s horribly irresponsible.

You know someone’s got a lot of clothing on the train when even Stacey says that it’s too much clothing.

Why does everyone on this train leave their compartment unlocked? The babysitters take the seven older boys to do some illegal searches, and every sleeper compartment they go into is open, and no one is inside them.

Claudia spelling. Praty (party…she spells it right 4 out of 5 times), anemals.

At the pool party, there is a silly bathing cap contest, and earlier, Mallory notes that Jenny is wearing one. The only time I ever wore a swim cap when I was growing up was when I went to Girl Scout camp and had to wear one. I would have never worn one when swimming for fun.

Kristy thinks she’d like to be a movie director someday…because it would give her a lot of people to boss around.

I only have five more mysteries left to read: two Mary Annes, a Stacey, an Abby and a Kristy. As flat-out awful as some of these books have been, I’m sort of sad about that. (If I keep up this pace, I’ll be done with this blog by the end of the year. Expect a lot more awwwwww! Ultra-mega-sad-face moments out of me…)

Outfits

Stacey: ‘butter-colored’ linen shirt, chino shorts, cork-sole sandals

Claudia: red shorts, purple crop top, red and white muscle shirt, purple socks, red high tops, apple earrings; tie-dyed t-shirt knotted at the waist, flower sandals and barrette

Jessi: pink leotard, jeans; blue bike shorts and sports bra, red t-shirt, reef runners

Mallory: long sleeved shirt, shorts, sneakers, hat

Mary Anne: green Izod shirt, baseball cap with ‘Ted’s Tools’ on it

Next: #110

“This is even more boring than being bored.” BSC Mystery #29: Stacey and the Fashion Victim (1997)

I know we’ve vlogged Stacey before…okay, no we haven’t. We’ve (what’s this we crap? I must have multiple personalities or something…) only vlogged Stacey’s Emergency. So let’s talk.

I really think that someone came up with the title of this book, and then worked out a convoluted plot line to fit the very punny tag. Stacey is modeling at an event at Bellair’s Department Store called Fashion Week, which consists of catalogue shoots and fashion shows. Someone keeps sabotaging the models and shoots, so Stacey and the BSC investigate, and they find out the culprit was a model with a very pushy stage mother. She wanted to stop modeling and thought making it look like someone was out to get her would get her mother to back off.

In the B plot, Abby catches Buddy Barrett and Lindsey DeWitt getting ready to try a cigarette, leading to the kids in town convincing various adults in their lives to quit.

Interesting Tidbits

The cover: I think Stacey is the fashion victim here. I do know the seventies were back around that time, but still. Ew.

This book is going to be chockfull of outfits, isn’t it? I’m excited, but only if the clothes are better than what Stacey’s wearing on the cover.

Remember mini backpacks? Those were definitely all the rage when I was a teen. Stacey wears one with her ‘business-y outfit’ for Take Your Daughter to Work Day, totally ruining the adultness of the outfit.

What did everyone do for TYDtWD? Stacey helped her mom be a buyer at Bellair’s. Claudia went with her dad to his investment banking job, where she understood nothing but lunch. (Sounds like a normal day at school for her, before she went back to seventh grade.) Kristy rearranged her mom’s desk for efficiency.* Mary Anne thought watching Richard—who’s a corporate lawyer at this point; that seems to change on a regular basis—work was pretty interesting. Both Abby and Jessi did their mom’s photocopying…and they both copied their faces.

*Do we even know what Kristy’s mom does? She works in an office with a copy machine, but I think that’s all I know about her job.

When Stacey tells everyone she’ll be a model for Fashion Week, Mal and Jessi are predictably against it, which is no surprise. They also had a problem with the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant, remember? And Kristy is against it as well, but mostly because Stacey won’t be able to do any sitting that week. (Typical.) Interestingly, it’s Mary Anne—who’s experienced the world of catalog modeling and commercial auditions with the Prezziosos—who suggests that some non-professional modeling could help Stacey learn to be more independent and confident.

Ooh, I have a new goal in life: to become Princess Bellair. Forget using my brain for anything!

Oh, and I now have the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song stuck in my head. Think Princess Bellair is related somehow?

Stacey gets bored enough during the Fashion Week intro meeting that she lets Cokie tell her all the gossip about all the other models. Stacey says she doesn’t even like gossip. (Bitch, please. I don’t know a single girl her age who doesn’t enjoy at least a little gossip. I do understand her point about the fact that all the models want to do is badmouth each other behind their backs, but a little rundown of who’s who, like Cokie gave, is something most of us can appreciate on some level.) The title quote relates to this passage, only it’s not from the book. It’s what my sister used to say when she was a small fry and my mother used to try to get her to clean instead of whining and moping.

Oh, and then guess who’s gossiping with Claudia about one of the models a couple pages later…

So the mystery begins in earnest at the end of chapter five. Before that, we are introduced to only some of the people involved in Fashion Week, so each of the people with a name is automatically a suspect. I give you:

            Mrs. Maslin, who runs the show

            Harmony Skye, a ridiculously named up-and-coming model

            Sydney, the latest thing in fashion**

            Cynthia, who’s past her peak (at sixteen)

            Blaine, a local girl who is just getting started and trying to break into the big time

            Mrs. Skye, a totally obnoxious stage mother

            Roger Bellair, who used to date Sydney and is working on the shoot

            Dylan Trueheart, the agent who ‘discovered’ Cokie

**If Sydney’s that big a model—she was on the cover of a teenage fashion magazine recently—what the **** is she doing surrounded by amateurs at a small-time fashion show in Podunk, USA?

First incident: Harmony, who hasn’t eaten all day, drinks some tea and then has stomachaches, gets sleepy and becomes pale. Mrs. Skye thinks someone drugged her.

The instructions the photographer gives the models are laughable: “Okay, girls, let’s see you act like long-lost sisters who are thrilled to see each other again.” But I’ve read and seen other materials about fashion shoots, and they’re equally laughable. I’m thinking about Tootie on The Facts of Life: “How can I make love to a camera when I’ve never even kissed a boy?”

Second incident (and a bunch of little ones that only get a sentence or two): Blaine, Sydney and Harmony find some of their outfits from the shoot shredded. Someone exposed a bunch of rolls of film. A model discovered a spider in her shoe (although that might just be a coincidence.) Blaine gets locked in an elevator. Harmony fell off the catwalk when she was blinded by the light. (I forget who sings that song, but it’s now stuck in my head.) Someone got a rash from their foundation—which is exactly why I don’t wear makeup. A bunch of creepy notes keep showing up, written in makeup.

Claudia spelling! Wacthing, shur, defenetly.

Wow, this story is so boring that I can’t even find anything to mock.

I’m amused by the fact that various people keep talking on ‘cellular phones.’ I realize they were still sort of new technology—my friends started getting cell phones in 98—but I can’t imagine using that many syllables to discuss something that’s so common place these days.

Stacey’s from New York, so when she references tall buildings, she mentions the Empire State Building and the World Trade Center.

Incident 3: Stacey and Harmony lean on a railing on the roof of Bellair’s. It gives way and they fall a few feet, not injured. Someone had removed the screws…and it had been Harmony’s idea to stand against the railing.

I know I’ve been very quiet about the B-plot, and that’s because it’s basically been a non-entity. I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned in any of the books that anyone smoked unless it was a specific plot point. (The girls on the SMS softball team, for example, when they thought they’d burned down that shed with their cigarettes.) I guess we’re supposed to be surprised that Franklin DeWitt and Mrs. Hobart smoke, but I wasn’t really shocked to find that Watson occasionally puffs on a cigar or that Aunt Cecelia smokes. If anyone in this book was going to have a humidor, it would definitely be Watson.

Stacey decides that modeling was fun, but she never wants to do it again. It would have been an awesome spin-off series if she’d been discovered: much edgier than the California Diaries—with cocaine, affairs, and even more gossip! I’m so sad we didn’t get that series.

Outfits

Stacey: white linen blouse, navy skirt, heels; raspberry romper, white sneakers, white baseball cap, pigtails; red/white striped bathing suit and cover-up, red flip flops, straw hat, slicked-back hair; denim minidress, espadrilles, bangles, French braid; pink wool jumper; plaid skirt and white shirt; navy blue suit; trendy jeans, tight shirt, platform shoes; flowery, ankle-length dress

Claudia: white jeans with artistic paint on them, denim shirt (stealing Dawn’s attire, I think), high top sneakers, chopsticks in her hair

Harmony: long skirt, crop top; neon paisley miniskirt, white gogo boots, fluffy white jacket (this outfit is making my eyes hurt and I can’t even see it)

Watson: a tux (seriously)—and all the rest of the Brewer-Thomas family also dresses up

Next: #108

“Some of us need to concentrate when we’re driving.” BSC #107: Mind Your Own Business, Kristy (1997)

Okay. This book drove me nuckin’ futs when I first read it a couple years ago, and there is one, very simple reason why. If you’ve never read this book before, here’s a very quick summary: Kristy meddles in Charlie’s love life. That’s annoying enough by itself, but it’s so Kristy that you’re not even surprised by it. Here’s what I found so obnoxious about this book: Kristy keeps telling Charlie to give up his new girlfriend because she’s trouble, and she’s flippin’ right! I would have liked the book a hell of a lot more if Kristy had warned Charlie that this girl, Angelica, was no good, and she turned out to be wrong and Angelica was harmless….

A more detailed plot summary: Kristy throws a spring-break spring training for the Krushers and Charlie agrees to help. He just broke up with his girlfriend and enjoys the attentions of the Hsus’ sitter, Angelica, so much so that he slacks on his part of the deal. He promises to get some famous baseball player to come to the training camp but doesn’t follow through. Kristy tries to get Charlie and his ex back together but just pisses him off.

Kristy wins four tickets to a rock concert and agrees to give two to Charlie in exchange for a ride to the concert. Kristy, Charlie, Angelica and Claudia are on their way to the concert with Angelica driving Watson’s car when they get pulled over. Angelica crashes the car and admits she doesn’t have a license. Charlie realizes that Angelica’s a liar and a bad seed and he gets back together with his ex, who gets the baseball player to come to the training camp.

Interesting Tidbits

The front cover: All the ladies love Charlie…

The back cover: The story summary begins “Kristy’s brother Charlie is a good guy….” This is an understatement. Not only does Charlie shuttle Kristy (and her friends) all over the place, but every time he drops her off and discovers she needs help with whatever she’s gotten herself into, he drops everything and takes care of it. He does things like run concession stands at Krushers’ games and transport the team from place to place, even when it means getting stranded at a ‘haunted’ house. He came in during the Pike plague and helped cook and clean even though he didn’t get paid. Charlie’s the kind of kid you can be proud of, whether he is your son, your neighbor or your brother.

Porky, Arnold and Piglet: Kristy’s nicknames for her brothers. I get Porky and Piglet, but it took me fifteen minutes to get the Arnold reference. It shouldn’t surprise me that Kristy would make a Green Acres reference, given the fact that these girls love Leave it to Beaver and I Love Lucy.

Kristy makes the Hillary Clinton argument: if you have a forceful personality and a penis, people call you strong-willed and a born leader. But a female with the same quality is either bossy or a bitch. (Okay, Kristy doesn’t say the latter, but it’s obviously what she means. You all know that’s what some of her classmates will call Kristy behind her back.)

The Brewer-Thomas clan has six pets, but it took me absolutely forever to list them all, since it’s usually just Boo-Boo and Shannon that get mentioned. The rest of the pets are all Karen and Andrew’s—two goldfish, and two caged small animals that used to live at the ‘Little House’ until Karen and Andrew started switching houses every other month instead of just staying with their dad on weekends. (I still haven’t pinpointed exactly when that happened.) Karen’s rat is named Emily Jr.—which is supposed to be a compliment, but hopefully that rat’s dead long before Emily Michelle is old enough to figure that one out. And if I remember correctly, Andrew’s hermit crab is named Bob.

Charlie is looking at college brochures…during spring break…of his senior year. He should have already chosen a school by then.

Oh, and the brochures include Levithan Polytechnic Institute and Rhineback School of Arts. Would any person be considering those two schools at the same time? If you really don’t know what you want to study, you go to a big state school, where you have 3000 major choices. (David Michael suggests that Charlie go someplace where he can train to be an astronaut, which is such a 7 year old thing to suggest.)

Obviously, this story revolves around the Krushers, and Bart does indeed show up. There goes my theory that Bart does not show up again after he breaks up with Kristy.

When Kristy calls the meeting to order while picking up a phone call, Mrs. Kuhn thinks she dialed Pizza Express by accident. That leads to various BSC members quipping, “One babysitter, extra cheese with pepperoni?” and “Is that a deep dish sitter or a Sicilian?”

I’m picturing Jessi giving the Kuhn kids ballet lessons and it’s hilarious. I think it’s mostly because they always describe Jake as being pudgy and klutzy—the eight year old boy version of myself—that I find him plié-ing so funny.

Kristy asks Bart to help with her Spring Klinic (she spells it with a c at this point, but it’s the Krushers, so k it is. Plus, then I can all it Kristy’s Krushers’ Klinic and shorten it…) He turns her down because then the Krushers would know all his secrets. Kristy says it’s only a game, so who cares, but I’m actually with Bart on this one. Plus, that may be the only time in the history of the world that Kristy’s called softball ‘only a game.’

Ha! Charlie knows just how to annoy Kristy, which is absolutely no surprise. When the radio station called Kristy to let her know she’d won four tickets to the Blade concert, she thought it was Alan making fun of her. (She didn’t realize that they pre-tape most radio segments. I had that argument repeatedly with my sister when she was tying up the phone line trying to win radio contests in her teens. Seriously, people: when you hear them answering the phone and telling some schmuck he’s the 57^th caller out of 101, that’s when you can quit calling, because they’re recording the call with the actual winner.) So later when Kristy’s crabby, Charlie asks her if she had a fight with her boyfriend, Alan.

Charlie’s post-high school dreams? Clown college. Awesome.

So the big baseball star Kristy promises the kids will be at the KKK? (I told you I was going to shorten it!) His name is Jack Brewster and he used to play for the Mets. What bugs me is that Kristy goes all gaga and starts telling the kids everything, and Charlie just says he ‘might’ be able to get him to come. It tells me Kristy wasn’t really listening—she only heard the words she wanted to hear. (I don’t know anyone who does that. Certainly not my mother, who tells all my relatives all the prospective details about my wedding that ‘might’ happen…just after I told her not to tell anyone anything until it’s set in stone!)*

Huh. I don’t remember ever hearing that Kristy’s dad used to play minor league ball, but he makes a lot more sense when you factor that in. He’s like a little boy who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas…so he ups and leaves his family for the chance to be a reporter for a sports team instead. Still not okay, but his logic is a teensy bit less shady now.

I’m not surprised that the kids on the Krushers love Charlie. I kinda love him myself.

Various things Kristy calls Angelica before she learns her name: Monica, Jessica, Seneca, Veronica, Cressida, Sparticus.

Oh, and Kristy does eventually call it Krushers Klinic. I don’t know if I remembered that or it was just a logical assumption. (You know Karen’s sitting back there on the bench going, Crushers’ Clinic in her head…)

Double Ha! Mr. Pike calls Jessi ‘Jesserina’. It’s such a dad joke and I adore it.

I no longer have that list I used to amass of the members of Kristy’s Krushers, but I do know that the KKK has more members than the team usually has. As of now, the only additions to the regular krew (see what I did there?) that I’m aware of are Vanessa and the triplets. Vanessa’s usually a cheerleader, but she’s playing in this book. And I guess that the triplets’ can attend the KKK around their Little League practices….

Kristy refers to the sounds Charlie’s car makes as ‘the mating call of the Junk Bucket.’ That put a really inappropriate picture in my head, like a scene out of a documentary about wildlife.

You know Angelica is a bad girl because she smokes!

Claudia’s idea of a good snack: she wraps a licorice string around a pretzel.

This is interesting, and I never noticed it before. After Mrs. Barrett became Mrs. DeWitt, the assorted Barrett-DeWitt kids seemed to do everything together. But only Buddy and Suzi are Krushers, despite the fact that Lindsey, Taylor and Madeleine are all the right age to join.

Dumbass. Kristy tries the sitcom-staple of setting Charlie and Sarah up to go to dinner together. It never works for kids of divorcing parents, so why does she think it will work in this case? It’s double-bad because Charlie invites Angelica along. Kristy talks him out of it, but it still goes very badly.

Number of baseball puns in Abby’s KKK sitting notebook entry: five. Number of sentences: five. She’s batting a thousand.

Abby’s method of dividing the kids up for a practice game: “All kids with vowels in their names, to my right. All kids with consonants in their names, to my left.”

Shocking. Kristy admits that she was an idiot for butting into Charlie and Sarah’s break up.

*It wasn’t until chapter 9 that I realized Kristy didn’t tell the kids at the KKK that Jack Brewster might come. The kids weren’t all showing up because of JB; they were showing up because they idolize Charlie. He’s the one who tells the kids Jack Brewster will be coming.

Ooh, this is awful: when Charlie slacks on his co-coach duties, Kristy calls him on it. Charlie points out that he’s volunteering, and therefore, he can slack if he wants to. Kristy suggests he’s just like their father. This has to be the ultimate insult for one of the Thomas kids, but especially for Charlie. (Part of the reason I liked the FF series so much was that Patrick leaving was addressed: Charlie was allowed to be angry at this dad—for good reason—while Sam got to play peacekeeper, a role that I think matured him.)

Finally, a sign that Charlie is a teenaged boy and not perfect: He’s really mad—understandably so—after Kristy’s comment, but he comes to KKK anyway. He then makes Mary Anne play message girl and relay questions and messages to Kristy, because he doesn’t want to talk to her. Passive aggression at its finest, folks.

So Blade—the band Kristy, Claudia and Charlie love—has a new CD called…Shrunken Heads. Yet they write love songs that Abby and Kristy were embarrassed that Charlie was singing along with.

Watson drives an Oldsmobile, which Charlie asks to borrow. When I was remembering this story, I thought that Watson’s car was a stick, because Charlie sucked at driving it. Instead, he says he’s not used to power breaks and power steering. (I’ve driven a car without those things, and it’s really not that different, so I don’t get this, but okay.) Angelica convinces him to let her drive because she’s getting car sick. Kristy hates the idea because Watson loaned Charlie the car and she feels like letting Angelica drive is sneaky and wrong. Kristy’s right, for more reasons than she knows, but Charlie’s so mad at her he won’t listen.

I don’t understand why Mr. Kishi is mad at Claudia when he picks her up at the police station. Watson? Yeah, I get him being pissy. His car is stranded on the highway and possibly totaled. Plus, Charlie let someone else drive the car, a totally stupid choice. But Mr. Kishi? I don’t get that one.

Oh, snap. The title quote is Watson’s snarky response when Charlie tries to defend his actions on the way home from the Stamford police department. Later, he tells Charlie to ‘rethink his social attachments’, which is Watson-speak for ‘you’re not to see Angelica anymore.’

Ha ha! Angelica convinces Kristy to hand a letter over to Charlie. Kristy notices the letter is typewritten and suggests that’s formal and took extra effort. This is no longer true. These days, if I wanted to take extra effort, I’d definitely handwrite it.

Oh, and then Charlie actually reads the letter out loud to Kristy! I’ve got a younger sister and if I got a letter from a significant other like that, I’d never let her know what it said.

In the aftermath of everything, Charlie fears that he actually is like his father, because he promised to help Kristy with the KKK and instead, let her and the kids down. He thinks he’s immature because he can’t figure out where he wants to go to college or what he wants to study. But Kristy points out that he held the family together when Patrick left. Charlie would get up in the middle of the night to feed David Michael. He even learned to write a check and paid the bills. Kristy tells him she looks up to him so much that she sometimes asks herself, “What would Charlie do about this?” when she’s stuck on a problem. That’s sweet.

In the author’s note, AMM says that she actually went to Walt Disney World as ‘research’ for super special #1. Sure, Ann. I believe that’s the only reason you went there. *wink*

This is my 200^th post. I should celebrate, and I think I will…by eating a few Cadbury Crème Eggs…(Actually, watch this space. I plan to do something fun..ner than normal coming up in a few posts.

Outfits

Claudia: fringed leather vest, oversized plaid shirt, wide tie, bell bottoms with two different color legs, VCR hair clips

Next: Mystery #29